I posted these two pictures on Instagram yesterday to support a strength challenge by a yoga instructor I admire greatly, Dianne Bondy. In the post, I mentioned how my yoga practice is redefining what strength means to me. I'd like to elaborate on that here.
If you're reading this and aren't connected to me via social media, let me preface this by saying that I lost a dear friend to suicide yesterday. He lost his battle with PTSD and was the LAST person I'd ever expected to lose that battle. He was, without question, one of the most inspring and motivating individuals I was privileged to call my friend. In the past several years, I've buried way too many people for this reason...and it literally crushes me emotionally.
In light of yesterday's loss, as well as thinking about the suicide crisis in this country, I felt compelled to elaborate on how yoga has begun to redefine strength for me...and MAYBE we, as a society, could consider reexamining how we define strength also.
I know I will probably mess this up a bit, but I'm speaking solely from my heart here. See, yoga isn't just about poses. It's also the simple awareness of your body and all it's abilities and limits, your breath and the mind-body connection. It's about finding balance, not just in a pose, but in your being. Thanks to Cerebral Palsy, my physical body does not allow me to get into most traditional shapes/poses, but because I have the knowledge of the intention of the pose, I can almost always find a modification that will satisfy the intention. That said, I also have to be mindful of what my body is capable of that day. Some days I may be able to do some standing poses...other days, I may not. AND THAT'S OK. Physical strength does come from working on certain poses, such as this high/low plank pose that I do on a wall. But for me, the REAL strength is coming from learning when to push, but also when to pull back.
See, I used to see it as a sign of weakness if I couldn't push through something. It's only been recently that I've learned that pushing through when my body isn't ready to handle it is damaging. I had to lose my mobility to figure that out. (Most recently, I injured my hip for that very reason...trying to make my body fit into a pose it wasn't ready for!) The same thing applies to my brain. I can be the most stubborn person in the world and really dig my heels in at times (I know...shocking! LOL!), but through my yoga practice, I have learned that if I just stop resisting, things come easier...physically, mentally, even spiritually. It takes real strength to acknowledge where our limitations are AND to accept them graciously.
Recognizing our strengths, as well as our limits, finding the balance in the two, and knowing when to ask for help, is the REAL strength that I believe we don't help people focus on enough in this country. It's always about striving for more, pushing harder, keep up with the Joneses, etc. ...and let's not forget the "shoulds" that society places on us. That's a lot of pressure for anyone. And I'm just as guilty of all of these!
I'm going through Yoga Teacher Training currently...and even if it only makes me a better student...if I never share this gift with others, it's been worth it for that. But I don't want to stop there. I want to share this gift with people not just to hopefully help them feel better in their bodies, but to maybe experience the kind of strength and balance I'm experiencing. Maybe to share some tools to help others find some peace. Personally, I incorporate my Christian faith into my practice and it has made a dramatic difference in my spiritual walk.
I don't know what the answer is, I don't even know how we do it, but I believe that this world needs more mentors...more people encouraging each other to not just "push through" but to really listen to what's going on inside themselves and help them discover their unique gifts as well as their personal "line in the sand" and when to ask for help.
This suicide crisis has to stop. Period. It starts with one person reaching out to another...being strong enough to be vulnerable and share your story. I'm saying now that I'm always gonna be that person. If my life can impact someone else, then that's what this life is all about for me. Strength doesn't have to mean being the best physically, mentally or spiritually. Sttength comes from within...and I think we need to do a better job of helping each other find that strength.
Oh, the difference one year makes! One year ago today, I was headed for the operating room to have a very large tumor removed from my abdomen. This morning, I was kayaking with the Adaptive Sports and Adventures Program. The last year has been filled with many things, both good and bad, that I did NOT expect or anticipate. As I reflect back on this past year, I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you.
1-My faith has never been stronger and I have seen God at work through all of this.
The possibility existed that I wouldn't make it through this surgery due to previous surgical history. So, there was a lot of fear leading up to this day. The actual surgical procedure threw us a couple of curveballs in that the tumor was much larger than anticipated and did much more internal damage than anticipated. This meant new things to deal with during recovery.
But God.
I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it, and He has
made that evident to me this whole year. From all the love and support I
received prior to, during and after surgery...to the surgery
itself...God has been by my side in a variety of ways. Many people prayed for and with me during this time...and, not only did I come through surgery with flying colors, but it was over much quicker than anticipated and I had peace. That was God. My recovery was painful, but my JOY never wavered. To this day, I don't feel "right" if I'm not in relationship with God daily and I can certainly say that this last year has taken that relationship to a whole other level as I've had to learn to truly depend on Him, physically, mentally, and emotionally. God does work all things for good for those who love Him, but He never promises it will be easy. This, I have lived over this past year.
2-My marriage was reinstated
As a testimony to the above, my husband and I reconciled after an 8 year separation, and we honestly haven't been happier. I give God the glory for opening our eyes to see each other through His eyes, for softening our hearts and allowing us to be open to possibilities, and for the gift of true communication. He was my primary caregiver following surgery and he amazed me at the ways he took care of me. We went from a place of expectation from one another to appreciation FOR one another and I'm grateful every day for that. When we shift our focus from the negative to the positive, when our eyes are open to different priorities, it's amazing what kind of change transpires.
3-My mobility declined...rapidly
I followed my surgeon's instructions to the letter and went back to work when she said I could. The problem was that my surgeon and my neurologist (who manages my CP) didn't communicate on my recovery plan, so I actually went back to work WAY too soon for my body. As such, it didn't take long for my mobility to sharply decline. You see, when they did my surgery, they had to cut through my abdominal muscles. Because my abdominal muscles, in combination with my hips, legs and back, kept me upright, the other muscles groups had to pull more weight due to the lack of abdominal strength after surgery. Even sitting put a strain on them. So...in essence, the other muscles groups gave out before I could regain strength in my core. You have to remember that my muscles work very differently than "normal" due to my CP. The brain signals to my muscles are all jumbled and my muscles stay consistently very tight. I've used the analogy of a rubber band stretched to capacity before. Imagine pushing against that stretched rubber band to make it move and you get the idea of what every day life is for me. Needless to say, I've also experienced incredible fatigue in this past year like I've never experienced before.
4-Medical Retirement
The decline in my mobility ultimately led to medical retirement from a job I absolutely adored...my beloved Marine Corps. It was a "no-brainer" decision as I knew that continuing to work would ultimately lead to the complete decline of my mobility. That said, it proved to be one of the hardest adjustments I've gone through to date. Not only did it completely force me to acknowledge my abilities...what I was capable of as well as what I wasn't...but having served the military community for almost 15 years and being mission-focused for that long, it left a HUGE hole in me as I no longer had a mission. I was left with a resounding "what now"?? Although it may not be exactly the same, I believe I now have a healthy understanding for what my military family feels when they go through retirement or leave service. All of my life, I've always put others needs way before my own. Even when my husband and I separated, the things that kept me going then were my son and serving others. This time, I didn't have a "little" at home to dictate my schedule. I didn't have anyone to "take care of"...other than me. That is a REALLY uncomfortable place for me to be, and I'm not gonna lie, I have spent a lot of my time since retirement in tears trying to navigate all this adjustment.
The best thing I can say about the past couple of months is that I've spent it in deep relationship with God and He has spoken to me in a way that I haven't understood before...leading me to finally (& truly!) understand that His timing is perfect and to rest in that. I have experienced "all the feels"...grief, depression, anxiety, anger - LOTS of anger - at Him because He created me the way I am, because I struggle to do the things that used to come so easily to me, because I haven't been able to do things with my family and friends that I would love to do, because I am not able to care for others in the way that I want to now that I have to care for myself, because I now rarely sleep due to pain, hormone issues (hot flashes and nightsweats!!), and for a myriad of things. Even living daily life can be a struggle because it takes so much effort for me to move. I've had so much to adjust to, both good and not so good. BUT...
God is good and I have learned what living in GRACE feels like. I'm not just pretty hard on myself, I'm probably my own worst enemy and I'll show grace to everyone else before myself. That is beginning to change. It's only been in the past few weeks that I've been able to wrap my brain around giving myself grace. I'm not going to get it all right the first try...and that's ok. I have learned that it's ok to be angry at God...because He can take it...and He loves me anyway. I have accepted that He created me the way He did for His purpose, not mine...and I love that. So, I will continue to share how He works in my life and I will continue to pray "not my will, but Yours be done" and that He will reveal to me what His will is. When He pauses, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other until He does.
My mission now is trying everything available to me that could help my mobility and figuring out what works and what doesn't - from diet to exercise. So far, Adaptive Yoga has been my lifeline, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I use the time for worship, for prayer, for listening and for understanding how my mind and body work in concert together. I hope to begin a journey to teach Adaptive Yoga in the near future. I have joined an Adaptive Sports program to figure out what I'm actually able to do! So far, I have kayaked and waterskied and loved them both! I have dreamed of waterskiing my whole life and never could. But this week, I got an opportunity to thanks to modified equipement and the Adaptive Sports and Adventures Program!! Of course I need assistance and it absolutely wears me out to do these things, but I refuse to just not live life. I have learned to just plan days for rest. My next goal is to work on Hippotherapy (horses!), because I LOVE horses and miss them so much, and in doing some research, have learned that it's one of the best forms of therapy for my body. The pool still works well for me, but being honest here, I've struggled to make it priority around these other things.
Due to fatigue, I've struggled with "brain fog" and making simple decisions can be overwhelming at times. I'm grateful for businesses such as Cultivate What Matters and their Power Sheets to help me learn how to better set goals and make a plan towards those goals. Being that I tend to overthink, the Power Sheets have helped me learn to simplify my thinking and are helping to make life a little less complicated. You should really check them out!!
I'm learning to be grateful for the small things every day, and on the days that I struggle hard with the negative emotions, I make myself find the things to be grateful for. But, even on the hard days, I don't lose my joy (though it may seem like it on the outside), because no matter what I have going on in my world, God is working in me and around me. I know He's walking with me and His plans are far greater than I can imagine. I believe it...and looking back on my life...I know it to be true. So, I keep climbing, never giving up, and hoping to move mountains along my journey.
I've been watching a sermon series about relationships recently. Relationships, in general, not just centered around marriages. Today, I was convicted. There's been so much negativity and hate in my social media newsfeed for a wide variety of reasons, that it's overwhelmed me and made me go silent. Until today. My God reminded me that He's called me to LOVE others, to SERVE others, to speak LIFE into others...and that by being silent, I'm not doing ANY of that...and in reality, being disobedient to Him! Today, I stop that.
I've watched in horror at the hate being spewed all over my social media accounts and it has caused a physical response in me. One that is just painful. Let's take the presidential election as an example (which, by the way, is simply one of many that I could use). No, I'm NOT engaging in a political debate because I have my beliefs and opinions and I will respect the fact that you do as well. They may or may not differ from mine. The reason I don't engage in political conversation is simply because I'm not going to judge you or our relationship based on your political views, nor do I want you to do that to me. I have seen many friendships and relationships torn apart because of this election this year, some even lifelong, and it's been heartbreaking to see. To me, who I vote for is a private matter, and I believe it should stay that way. Otherwise, wouldn't they make voting booths public so everyone can see??
We are people, individuals, and are more than just a political statement or party or group we affiliate ourselves with. We don't even have to agree on the same God for me to love and respect you as a human being. That's basic human decency. I am a Christian, yes, and I speak from that perspective, because it's a huge part of me, but that doesn't mean I'm trying to persuade you to believe any differently. That's not my lane. If you choose to, that's a whole other post. I do believe that God created each of us in His image, and if God is Love (as it is stated several times in the Holy Bible), then shouldn't we at least try to be better examples of that?? Honestly, I think we, as a people, need to do more about rising above the hate and anger, having more compassion for one another, and begin loving more, in an effort to be united. Hate and anger only cause more divide...yet, it's the easiest to give in to.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting that we all hold hands and join in a chorus of Kum Ba Yah because that would be unrealistic. We all have our differences, and sometimes those differences make it difficult to maintain relationships. We change. We grow. And sometimes we grow apart. But that doesn't mean we have to be hateful to one another because of it. Go your separate ways if you need to, but wish each other well instead of cursing one another.
Let's stop the judgment, the name-calling, the labeling...and instead let's practice kindness, affirmation, and encouragement. Every person has redeeming qualities and every person has flaws. So where is your focus?? If you focus only on the flaws and imperfections, you are missing the blessing that person could be in your life. But if you spend time building someone up, encouraging them, focusing on their redeeming qualities imagine the difference you could make to that person...and then, imagine the change you will see in yourself.
There's a song titled "Burning Heart" and it's from the movie soundtrack of Rocky IV. Part of the song says this...and is what speaks to me today:
In the warriors code There's no surrender Though his body says stop His spirit cries - never! Deep in our soul A quiet ember Know it's you against you It's the paradox That drives us on It's a battle of wills In the heat of attack It's the passion that kills The victory is yours alone
It occurs to me that I haven't updated this since my surgery 8 weeks ago. In my defense, I've had a pretty rough recovery and honestly couldn't come up with the words to write as I was fighting my own battle...me against me.
So, let's bring you all up to speed.
The procedure itself surprised everyone, as the tumor they removed ended up being the size of a small watermelon (no exaggeration! I have pictures to prove it! Haha!) instead of the size of a grapefruit, as previously thought. It was caused by endometriosis, which no one knew I had, and had consumed my left ovary and was in the process of consuming my right one. It had also attached to my colon and attempted to attach to other areas in my body. So, basically, the tumor had to be disconnected from my colon and removed, along with both of my ovaries, and the lesions from where it had attempted to attach had to be scraped. The best news was that there was no cancer or even any form of pre-cancer cells!
The incision is vertical and about 10 inches in length, starting at my waistline (a couple of inches above my belly button!). It had to be vertical in order to remove this tumor and to get to any lymph nodes should cancer have been detected. The problem with this is my ab muscles have been cut and are now weakend. That created a problem when coupled with my Cerebral Palsy. If you don't know, Cerebral Palsy is a brain injury, and the part of my brain that was injured controls my muscles and their movements. So, my muscles are super tight anyway, which has made recovery all the more difficult. About a week after the surgery, I began experiencing one complication after another
(which I will refrain from discussing for your sake!) and it took 5 full weeks before I began showing real improvement. After that, improvement came quickly and by the end of week 7, I was finally walker-free for the most part. Now, that said, I still cannot walk well or much on my own due to lack of leg strength now and due to the lack of ability to stand up straight. My insides still feel bruised and I don't sleep well most nights because of various pain.
Not only was I recovering from major surgery, but am now experiencing surgical (and immediate) menopause!! I won't even begin to elaborate on the he** that is. The hot flashes alone have been killing me. I feel like I'm burning from the inside out, and when I try to cool off, I instantly freeze. I can't cover up because I'm too hot, and I can't stay uncovered because I'm freezing. So, I'm sweating while freezing!! Doesn't that sound like fun?? And let's not forget mood swings and the tears! As if I didn't cry enough already! My goodness! It's going to be a struggle to get all this regulated, but I'm thankful to have an understanding family and friends who support me AND all my craziness! Haha!
Now that you're up to speed on all the particulars, let me just say that this has been one of the biggest battles I have faced in a very long time. The last time I was in a mental place like this, I was on the verge of a very strong downward spiral, one I'm not sure I would have come back from had it not been for finding out I was carrying my son. That was 20 years ago and I was recovering from a devastating wreck after being hit by a drunk driver. This time, I was recovering from major surgery that left me unable to move or do anything for myself, beyond going to the bathroom or showering, for weeks! My hormones were wrecked and playing havoc with my emotions and thoughts. I felt useless, I felt like a lump on the couch, I felt like a burden to my friends and family - though I was grateful EVERY moment of EVERY day I had them!! It was a daily struggle for me to keep from slipping into a deep depression. I reached a point where I realized that would do nobody any good, especially me, and I chose to fight it by recognizing the good things in my life...no matter how small...and consciously celebrate it. It took effort...it took work...and lots of it! Maybe it was that I was able to sit up more that day or lift my leg a little more to get dressed. Maybe it was that I took a couple of steps without my walker. Maybe it was someone "sending me a smile" through Facebook or email or something just to let me know they were thinking about me. And let's not forget the countless meals my friends and family brought to or prepared for me. I couldn't do any of that for weeks. But I also began praying for others. Focusing more on others needs than my own. That's what did it. That's what lifted the cloud for me. I couldn't do anything about it, but I could pray and offer words of encouragement. I did all I could do to help others, while recognizing my own limits. But it took every bit of 5 weeks to get to that point and it only happened a little at a time.
I have learned much about myself in these past 8 weeks, including that I have to set better limits for myself. There's a time to push through and there's a time to set healthy boundaries. I've pushed way too hard for most of my life...living it as if I've had no disability. If I'm being honest, in every day living, I don't believe I really do...but when it comes to this surgery, I've had to acknowledge that I, in fact, do...and that it comes with a price. It takes it's toll on my muscles, my joints, my energy and my body in general. I've put a lot of wear and tear on this body without stopping to care for it properly. Lord willing, I have many years left on this earth and I want to spend them as mobile as possible. So, I'm going to start slowing down and recognizing my limitations, while not giving in to them. I'm nowhere near ready for "the rocking chair", but I'm going to learn new ways of doing things that make life easier on my body. To start, fully practicing Adaptive Yoga, Aquatic Therapy, Equine Therapy, even biking (via a recumbent trike) if possible one day. It'll be a while longer before I'm anywhere near where I was pre-surgery, but I'm confident I will be. It's just taking a lot longer than anyone thought (and my doctor even apologized for not taking my CP into account during my recovery process). I've been very impatient, and probably will continue to be, but I'm thankful for the grace my people have extended to me.
It's been said that we all have a certain number of "game points" to use up in each day and that my body requires 2, 3, even 4 times more game points than the "average" person. If that's the case, then, I'm ready to choose how I use my game points a litte more wisely. A lot of good has come from these last 8 weeks and I'm grateful for it all. It was a fight to get here, but ultimately, my faith, my spirit, and my heart won this battle over darkness...and I will continue to keep fighting...at my pace!
Keep the faith in your life...in your struggles...and know I love you all...always!
Kati
Day 2 before surgery is in the books! 1 more day and a wake up...if I even sleep tomorrow!
There were lots of tears today as I walked away from my office. The uncertainty of the future is scary. I will miss the faces of the family I spend my every day with. I will miss saying "farewell" to those who will be changing duty stations while I'm recovering. So much will have changed by the time I return. Mostly, I will miss the way they all make me smile and laugh each and every day! I love my Marine family...more than I have words to say...and even on the days they make me crazy! hahaha! As I walked out of my office shaking and in tears today, one of the Marines I work with hugged me and carried my things to my car for me. He told me that everything was going to be fine, that they loved me and would be coming to see me. In that moment, the reality of how much my Marine family is there for me...and has been there for me...hit me and I felt it one more time. People wonder why I work like I do...that's why, and there's a million more reasons I could add to it.
The day was made better when I arrived home to find a good friend waiting on me at my house. She came to brighten my day with a visit, some fresh blueberries, and even baked me some amazing blueberry muffins!! We tested her recipe with my gluten free flour and they were awesome!!! I am super excited to have muffins in the freezer to come home to!
Another friend came over shortly after, brought Taco Bell, and continued to help me get all my paperwork in order because she knew my brain was on overload and I just couldn't make any more decisions. As we finished up, I could feel my anxiety settling some as I became more confident about where things are and where to direct people while I'm recovering.
And then...my sweet son made dinner for us tonight...a late one, but VERY tasty! Chicken, brown rice, onion, cilantro...and all kinds of yumminess! He's scared too, but trying his best to give me what he can. That young man holds my whole heart.
I have been showered with blessings today, and in the past few days, in so many ways! I'm grateful to a God who fights the bigger battle so that fear doesn't consume me; who loves me enough to show me just how much through the people He sends my way.
Tonight, I'm going to sleep...for a long time.
Tomorrow, I have some last minute things to wrap up for work, but I'm not pushing myself. I seriously doubt that I will sleep again before surgery, and if I do, it will be minimal. I will be focused on lists to make, my bag to pack for the hospital, and spending time with my loved ones in person or over the phone. I have much to look forward to tomorrow and it will be a good day...
...but for now, it's time to sleep. Sweet dreams, my friends! <3 <3 <3
3 days left until the big day! Today, my head has been swimming with all the stuff...the loose ends still left to do (including a house to clean!)...the lists that still need writing...have I talked to everyone? Have I said what needs to be said?? Have I said "I love you" enough and ensured the recipients knew it? Have I detailed out everything for work?? What am I missing??
UGH!!! Somebody stop the madness! All these questions and thoughts are making me crazy and I think my brain just might explode!
But, as I stop to think about it...you know what I think is the root of all of this? I am struggling to release control...and I am struggling to accept that there are things beyond my control. Ouch! Let that sink in for a moment. Control. Letting go. It's a tough thing, though...especially when you care so much. Whether it be my family, friends, or my job...my heart is incredibly full...and it's my sole purpose in life at this moment to take care of them all! I'M supposed to be the one taking care of everybody...it's not right for it to be the other way around!! Not at all! So...here I am struggling with "all the feels".
I have been beat up from every angle over the last few weeks, but most especially this past week. Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally...yeah, I've battled it. I won't go into details here and, suffice it to say, I'm worn to a frazzle, but I'm still standing! There was talk about delaying my surgery due to a sinus infection, but that won't be happening now. The antibiotics are doing their job! So, even that hasn't gotten me down! (Is it bad to say that I'm actually looking forward to the meds that will make me sleep??? I'M TIRED!!! haha!)
Tomorrow, I say goodbye to some of the staff I've worked with for 2-3 years now. They will be leaving while I'm in recovery and that is a VERY bitter pill to swallow for me. Tomorrow will be tears. But tonight, I must rest and remember that Jesus has this wheel...and He's steering this vessel all through this journey! I have to hold on to my faith in that when all else seems to be chaos. I'm learning huge lessons about faith through this. Sweet dreams, my friends. Tomorrow is another day!
Here's some real truth. If we allow it, we will continuously meet people who inspire us to be better people in whatever capacity that means. There are people who inspire us professionally; people who inspire us spiritually; people who inspire us creatively; people who inspire us in whatever passion we are pursuing...and I could go on, but you get the idea. But very few people will actually leave such a permanent footprint in our lives that they go beyond "inspiration". To me, these people are known as "heroes". Webster's dictionary defines hero as this:
a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities
a person who is greatly admired
On this day (June 18) was born one of my greatest heroes, my grandmother, Marillyn Maxson. I have gushed many times over my sweet Mama, and while today is her birthday also, this blog post is for her mother. :)
Words even fail me now as I think about the impact she's had on my life. You see, my grandmother went blind due to complications from diabetes when I was 5 years old. Now, I'm sure she had her times of grief, frustration and anger, but that's something I never saw. Everything I saw in her was LOVE first (and always), HOPE, DETERMINATION, and most of all ABILITY!
My grandmother taught me how to knit, crochet, macrame, play cards, cook, crafts of all kinds...and so much more...and she did it completely blind. She cooked every meal, every day, including all of our family and holiday meals...and she did it completely blind and for most of my life. She lobbied for better handicapped parking and public accessibility and she helped form Programs for Accessible Living (PAL) which is now Disability Rights, Inc. She was even the president of the YWCA!!
But, one of the greatest things about my grandmother was her passion for educating people, especially about disabilites. I was taught at a very young age to be open about mine so others would have an understanding. When she got her first seeing eye dog, she took her "show on the road" to elementary schools to teach children about disabilities. She would bring blind folds for children to experience "blindness", sound-proof headphones for children to experience "hearing loss", ankle weights for children to experience "mobility issues", etc, believing that experiencing led to understanding. But the highlight of it all was her dog. Everybody loved her dog, especially the kids.
Now that I have my own service dog, some have said that I'm following in my grandmother's footsteps by educating people on new types of disabilities and their varying degrees. Many people still don't know what a mobility service dog is for, and while I would be happy to explain now, this just isn't the post for that. Suffice to say, Lyla helps me with many tasks that I would otherwise struggle with. My experiences with my service dog have helped me to relate to my grandmother in ways I had never thought of before - some good (like being able to educate people), some not so good (like walking into a store or restaurant with all eyes on you and your dog and hearing the whispers). So, in those not-so-good times, I'm reminded of my grandmother and the confidence she possessed and I draw my own from it.
I'm grateful to my grandmother for setting such a wonderful example of "handicapable" - that's a phrase she came up with because she never saw herself (or me!) as handicapped. We were still plenty able to do anything we set our minds to. Her example taught me how to think outside the box on how to do things I wanted to do if the "typical" way was too difficult. If you had met my grandmother, you would barely know she was blind. Heck, I've even watched her cut bad spots out of fruits and vegetables better than a sighted person (ok, that sighted person is me, but we're not going there! haha!)!
She was the epitome of grace, strength and courage...but most especially love! My grandmother loved all who crossed her path. To be put in the same category as her is one of the biggest compliments I could ever be paid and I'm humbled that some do think that way. There's a reason a day was proclaimed in her honor in 1989 by our Mayor - she was a remarkable woman who was a champion for those who battled disability of any type. She never let hers stop her! Dimentia ended up doing just that...but not her blindness. She had better sight than most people I know.
Thank you for your contributions to this world, Granny! You are fondly remembered by many and the impact you made here continues to amaze me. I love and miss you every day, but I'm thankful for the path you laid out for me! While I'm not sure I'll ever fill your shoes, I hope to walk in your footsteps one day!
This picture was taken for The Charlotte Observer in 1989 in honor of her special proclamation.
Well...we're down to one week!! One week from today till surgery! Thursday, June 23 is the day!
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that I ONLY have 1 WEEK! 1 week to tie up loose ends at work and at home. 1 week to finish the preparations. 1 week...to cram in as much time as I can with the people I love! Where am I going to find the time to get it all done?? (Insert Panic!)
And then those "What If...'s" come creeping in, bringing more panic!
And then..."life happens"...leveling me once again (it's happened plenty of times just since I've started blogging about this journey!)!
And then...all of a sudden the brakes slam on this out-of-control-vehicle in my brain and I'm reminded of who the author of fear is; the very one who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy me. It's in that moment when I've realized I've begun to stumble and that I need to reconnect with my Solid Ground. It's in that moment that I'm reminded of HOPE, of HEALING, of PEACE - the calm amidst the storm.
So, as I approach this week, I'm very aware of the love that surrounds me. I'm grateful for it and it's truly the greatest gift in my life. I'm momumentally thankful for the prayers, words of encouragment and well wishes. I'm getting done as much as I can get done and I'm surrendering what I can't (which is a REALLY big pill for me to swallow!!). I'm scared, and at times, may cry more than I'd like. But I put that kick-ass playlist on and I get mad...mad at the one who's playing games with me, mad at the one who is whispering some of my biggest fears in my ear, and I fight back with the Truth and the knowledge that my enemy has already lost!
I am expecting all to go well. I'm expecting to feel much better after I've recovered. But most of all, I am expecting to be "good as new" because, more than ever, I am being reminded that I am here for a purpose...and it's not finished yet. I still have work to do!
I was given this scripture tonight...and it's perfect for this next week! It's one I haven't seen before, but definitely one for the Memory Bank:
"For the LORD your God is living
among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with
gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice
over you with joyful songs." (Zephaniah 3:17)
As I spend time with my loved ones this week, this often-quoted scripture comes to mind : "...Faith, Hope and Love - and the greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13:13) This verse right here...it's what gets me through. It's the greatest "weapon" I have when the fear kicks in, because I'm instantly reminded of all the love and concern that surrounds me every day...and THAT drives away the fear! So..."as for me, I will always have HOPE"! (Psalm 71:14)
I have been asked recently why all my blog post titles were song lyrics. Well, that's an easy answer...because music is a huge part of me, it's the background of my life, so it makes sense that I make it part of my blog about my life experiences. It has the power to transform my entire being. One song can trigger sadness, or nostalgia, or sheer happiness. A song can empower me and get my adrenaline pumping. And sometimes it can make me so happy that I can't stop singing! Today's title is one of THOSE songs! It's from the movie "Straight Talk" with Dolly Parton. One of my favorite singers, one of my favorite movies, and without question one of my favorite "feel good" songs that instantly puts a smile on my face...much like you have done for me over the last several days!
Last week, I asked for reinforcements for the battle I'll be facing with my surgery. I have been overwhelmed with words of encouragement, prayers, and SONGS - both familiar and new to me! I am humbled, grateful and OVERJOYED!! I honestly have no words to express how completely full my heart is! Today marks 2 weeks until I go in for surgery. Yesterday, I got most of the heaviest parts of my family responsibilities completed. I have since been allowing all those gifts of love to truly soak in to the deepest places of my soul! I am so grateful to each of you who took a moment to write to me. Please know that I will be capturing every message to look back on while I'm recovering and keep checking in as I love those quick "Hey! Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!" notes just as much! Time is the most precious gift we have and I feel honored that you chose to spend some of yours on me.
I am beyond grateful to those who have come to help me prepare my home for recovery so my mind and spirit can truly rest and recover without worry; I am beyond grateful for the care and concern shown to me at work and by my colleagues as I prepare to be away for awhile; and I am beyond grateful to those willing to help look after me while I'm recovering! I am very much a blessed girl and I don't have adequate words to express my thanks! Truly!
As the heaviness from certain responsibilites lifted yesterday, it was as if I could feel the heaviness lifting away from my spirit, as well. My spirit is truly at peace down deep and it's a peace that runs so deep, nothing seems to penetrate it. That surface level fear is still there, trying to break through and destroy that peace, but fortunately, I recognize that, know that it's superficial, and choose to run it off quickly. (The songs help!) Today, I CAN see the light of a clear blue morning and I'm believing the best is yet to come from this surgery. I won't say that I'm confident in this procedure, because I would be lying, but I AM believing the best...that Everything's Gonna Be Alright, It's Gonna Be Ok! As I've said before, I'm confident in the One who has all this in His hands, and ultimately, that's where my confidence needs to be!
Friends, you have been so good to me and I wish you could all see the big smiles you bring to my face! I wish so desperately that I could reach out and hug each and every one of you and spend some quality time with EACH of you to lift you up, speak life into you and affirm you...to be the blessing that you've been to me! My goal is that one day I will! Until then, feel free to comment here, message me on Facebook (Kati Posey Toney) or Snapchat (katitoney) and KNOW that I love you!
Thank you for helping me work through the darkness so I can see the light again! Enjoy this song!
Since my last post, I've had many questions about the specifics of what's going on and what will be taking place. Without going into any graphic detail, I hope this will answer many questions.
In a nutshell, I have a tumor in my pelvis that is the size of a grapefruit. At this time, it appears to be nothing serious, but that will be determined better during surgery when they can send it to pathology for testing. What is most concerning to all is that in 2007, during what was supposed to be an "easy peasy" laparoscopic partial hysterectomy, it turned into something that nearly cost me my life and ended up with me being opened up again at my c-section scar. Apparently, my "belly is a mess" (as my OBGYN put it!) and based on past surgical experience, this procedure is cause for concern.
I've been referred to a Gynecologic Oncologist at the Novant Cancer Center for this procedure, someone who specializes in difficult pelvic surgeries, as well as equipped to handle treatment IF cancer becomes a factor (which we're believing it's not!). According to her, what they don't know, and won't be able to tell until they're in there, is if this large tumor has attached itself to other organs or done any other damage internally. It's entirely possible given that the pelvic area is so small and this tumor is so large. So, because of all the "what if's", they are going to have to do a vertical incision in my abdomen in order to be able to get this thing out, but also to access anything else that may need repair.
Remember in my last post, I said I was a woman with a strong belief in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?? I stand on that, but it doesn't eliminate fear and a wide variety of other thoughts and emotions from hitting me. For example, I'm upset over having an ugly scar going up and down on my already ugly belly...and as a woman, I struggle with the emotion of that. Is it vain? Probably so...but I live in this world, too, and unfortunately, that is part of this world. I catch myself thinking "I already walk differently, now this will be something else to add to it..." and that "self-conscious demon" starts to whisper in my ear.
But the biggest example of how being strong in my faith, but still battling fear, comes with facing my own mortality. We all have to, at some point, and if I'm being real, it's something NONE of us wants to do because it's monumentally unpleasant. As an adult, it's the responsible thing to do...but it SUCKS! That said, I have found some peace in writing letters, my "last wishes", my will, etc knowing that by doing so my loved ones are taken care of. Once this heaviest part of this journey is off my shoulders, I'll be free to truly fight and get confidently in that zone of positivity and healing.
You may be asking about this fight that I'm talking about...let me explain. I know from personal experience that my attitude has EVERYTHING to do with whatever I'm facing, and something this big, I must keep a PMA (positive mental attitude!) in order to be successful! I've been down the road of major depression, as I've battled that and anxiety most of my life. I know what that feels like. I know what a difficult spiral that can be and I refuse to ever go back. I cannot take medication for it, so I've had to learn to manage it in different ways and leaning on my Father is one of them. Being a very spiritual person, I also know my enemy knows this about me and preys on my thoughts and emotions. After all, he seeks whatever means necessary to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). So, I can already feel the fight coming...and while I know that my God is fighting the biggest part of it, I also know I have to do my part. When those "bad days" come, when the fear of not seeing my son get married or meeting my grandbabies, or leaving my Mama, my dog or my friends sets in (and it usually comes on slow and lingers!), it's those thoughts, those days that I need to fight back the hardest. THOSE THOUGHTS WILL NOT CONSUME ME!
This battle begins in my mind and it's a difficult one to fight, so I'm calling on reinforcements. I know that music has the ability to transform my entire being. While I generally listen to Christian music, old school country or southern rock, I now need a new playlist...some adrenaline-pumping, kick-ass (yes, I said it!), fighting-back music! My theme song this year is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten, because I AM fighting back AND taking back my life...the one I know God has intended for me! I will no longer be afraid to say the things that need to be said or do the things that need doing...or even the things that I want to do. I will no longer apologize for who I am or the way I can be at times. God created me the way I am for a purpose...and every struggle WE have tackled, I've come through stronger because of it. This will be no different. Born more than 3 months premature, I have been a fighter from Day 1 and I will continue to be.
Surgery will take place June 23, and during this week of preparation, I have already been significantly tested in a myriad of ways. I feel the big fight coming and I've already felt knocked down. So, I'm asking you to please help me in my fight by sending me song suggestions that will fit my new playlist as mentioned above. But know this...that I'm suiting up for battle and I WILL NOT let this defeat me!
Life happens...and sometimes it delivers some serious blows that can truly knock us down. But we don't have to be defeated. Defeat, in my opinion, depends on our attitudes!
So, let me share with you a personal story that has evolved over the past month...well, really over the past year to 18 months. I have minimal Cerebral Palsy. Most of my life, I've walked with a limp which, with the right exercise, was barely noticeable at times. Over the past year or so, my mobility began to sharply decline to the extent that now I have a mobility service dog, who helps me with balance and a myriad of other things. In addition to this, my health began to decline in ways that doctors couldn't pinpoint. The biggest issue I've battled is the EXTREME fatigue and the days when my legs felt like they weighed 8000lbs and just couldn't get going! Now, I'm not nicknamed "The Energizer Bunny" for nothing...because prior to this, I pushed through anything and kept going. But this has been a level of fatigue that I couldn't push through...that literally shut me down. To put this in perspective, many days, it's been all I could do to put in a full days work, come home, cook dinner for myself and clean up afterwards. Still, laundry had to be done, vacuuming and all those other household chores and maintenance...all of which I struggled to get done and was lucky to accomplish even some of them on a regular basis. And let's not forget a family and friends to look after and nurture relationships with.
After all this time, I'm still going strong...just maybe in a different way than I used to. Thankful to have grown up in a Marine Corps family, I learned "Adapt and Overcome" at a VERY early age! I'm blessed to say I work for the Marine Corps now and I'm continuously inspired to Adapt and Overcome as I support the Marines and family members in my unit in various ways. I could have easily given up...thrown in the towel...and filed for disability as many people wanted me to do so I wouldn't have to struggle so much. To be real for a moment, there were times when I seriously thought about it. But, what it boiled down to was the fact that I couldn't look myself in the mirror and in good conscience tell a judge that I was no longer able to work. I would be lying...because there is ALWAYS something I can do! Besides that, I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve in this life and some of those require money to achieve them! So, I set my mind for success and began figuring out what would work for me and for those around me...and I have learned to THRIVE in spite of it all!
About 30 days ago, I had an MRI done on my neck and back. The test picked up something unusual, so I was sent for a pelvic ultrasound which revealed a "pelvic mass" and that was all I was told. Following that was blood work, a CT Scan, more bloodwork and a referral to my OBGYN for more ultrasounds and blood work. THIS time, I was finally told what was going on...that I have a very large tumor in my pelvis and the good news was that it didn't appear to be serious. The bad news was that the actual procedure would be fairly high-risk due to my surgical history. My OBGYN told me that since she had performed surgery on me before, and knew what was going on in that area, that she wasn't comfortable doing the surgery and was referring me to an oncologist who specialized in this type of surgery.
WOW! What a blow! Life just knocked me down...and HARD! So many emotions and faces of people I loved swirled in my head and I instantly became numb. It took a few days for it all to sink in before the tears came and I could acknowledge any level of fear. But after the tears, a peace washed over me and I knew where this peace came from. I am a woman with a very strong faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I've felt this peace only one other time and it was when I was hit by a drunk driver in 1995. It was what enabled me to relinquish control in order to heal then...and it is what has enabled me to relinquish control now. I walked through the doors of Novant Cancer Center yesterday for the first time, and while I was nervous (and even a little shaky), and EVERY fiber of my being didn't want to be there, I put my shoulders back, walked into that building and prepared for battle...knowing WHO was fighting the biggest part of it for me.
Am I scared? Yes, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I almost lost my life once with a similar surgery that was supposed to be "easy peasy"...and SO wasn't. So, my confidence in this procedure is gone...and no amount of reassurance will help that due to my experience. But I have ALL confidence in my Father, who I KNOW has my back. So...knowing that, believing that "the battle belongs to the Lord", I'm suiting up to do my part in this battle. I'm doing those things that bring me peace of mind, ensuring my home is ready for my recovery, ensuring my family is taken care of "just in case"...and I'm staring at an enemy who consistently tries to take me out of the fight and I'm saying...
"HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!!! FIRE AWAY!!! Because you are NOT going to win...no matter what!!!"
My spirit is strong, my fight is stronger...and I'm forever grateful to my family and friends who help to keep me that way. To them I say to you...you will never know the depth of my love and appreciation I have for you because there are no words to describe what you mean to me. Thank you for loving me and all my craziness, for supporting me and for being there to help when I couldn't do it myself.
To the Soldiers I started my career serving - thank you just doesn't cut it. You helped me to grow into what I was meant to do. Thank you for being my foundation and my family always and for directing me towards my true home (where my roots are) with the Marines. I will love and continue to serve you always!
To the Marines I serve with every day....and I sure hope you all see this...you will never know how much you inspire me or the ways you contribute to my fighting spirit. You keep me laughing, you love me, you hug me, and most importantly, you actually allow me to genuinely help and support you! Some of the greatest experiences of my life have come through the last 8 years with you and I'm forever grateful!!
Stay tuned for the rest of this journey (and I promise the updates won't be as long as this one! haha!) and thank you for sharing in it. I was asked by a couple of friends to consider blogging about it and after praying about it, I know it was the right thing to do. I have always lived by the belief that our experiences in life, while ultimately strengthen and shape us, are meant to help others, also. So, I have always lived my life being open and honest about myself, my disability, and my experiences in hopes that will help others in some way.
More updates to come before surgery in a few short weeks!
Let's just put it out there...2015 was not kind to me. Was it completely horrible? No. Do I have many things to be grateful for? Of course...and, after all, I survived and I'm still alive and kicking (though, that last word is debateable! Haha!)!! However, it doesn't change the fact that 2015 was rather challenging in many ways. Let's face it...we've all had those years where we felt like life just kept knocking us down, right? The biggest challenge I faced in 2015 was physically. Let me explain.
If you haven't read any of my previous blogs (and it's totally ok if you haven't!), I have very minimal cerebral palsy. I walk with a limp...and with exercise, it's almost unnoticeable. But when I'm not exercising properly, it can be a struggle to move. Think of it like this...my muscles naturally are like a rubber band stretched to capacity. They're super tight all the time. When I exercise and stretch, the tension eases off that "rubber band", but then I have to work harder to strengthen the muscles. When I don't exercise, my muscles simply get tighter. Imagine pushing on that "stretched-to-capacity rubber band" and how difficult it would be to move. That's currently where my body is. Thanks to a myriad of reasons over this past year, my mobility spiraled downward and no one can pinpoint why. This year, I'm focused on reclaiming my mobility and my life, even if it means adjusting to new things. I have actually designated "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten as my personal theme song this year (the "take back my life" song!). I have always had a positive outlook concerning my disability and am very proud of the things I have accomplished in my life that most said I never would be able to do. But there's always ups and downs...and it can be tough to stay in the fight sometimes, especially if we're fighting alone and we just want to go "back to normal". That said, we can't ever go "back to normal" because, honestly, that would mean we'd have to find some kind of time machine, right? So, we must adopt a "new normal". I have said this constantly in my 13 years of work with the military and military families.
Part of my "new normal" came recently when I was traveling for work. I work for the Marine Corps and was traveling with some Marines in my battalion. I had to get wheelchair assistance in the airport as my legs just would not make the journey to the gate. This is not the first time this has happened in my 43 years, but given my independence and stubborness, it is always a gigantic pill to swallow. This time, it was unusually hard for me and I found myself feeling very embarrassed...almost as if I'd let "my" Marines down...that I let myself down...and that I let my Grandpa (my favorite Marine) down. This cloud hung over my head as I was being wheeled to security. Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself instead of recognizing it as a piece of the way I'd always been raised to believe that "I could do anything anybody else could do, I just may have to do it a little differently." Looking back, though, I think some of my emotion came from looks I was given and ways I was talked to...which opened my eyes to a whole new set of issues! Conversation for another day! ;)
What happened next was a life-changing moment for me. When we got to security, there was a man in a wheelchair in front of me. On the back of his chair was a US Army patch and a US Olympic Team patch. I was elated to see this as I knew it would be someone I could most likely relate to in some way, but was SUPER interested in hearing about the Olympic team patch! So...naturally, I initiated conversation. This man is a retired Army Sgt, wounded in combat and an amputee. In a short amount of time...in the security line at the airport...we talked about his service, my service (both for the Marine Corps as well as my community) and our passions for serving, our disabilities and challenges that they bring, but also how we have overcome them. He talked about how he fought "the chair" because "he could walk just fine on his prosthetic", until a couple of years ago when his doctor explained the long-term damage that could cause. Now he sees the strength in using the chair. So...the Olympic team?? Yeah, that's a real thing!! He competes in handcycling...and he's awesome at it!! It's his passion and he had just finished competing in 2 races and was heading home.
I believe paths cross for a reason...and I'm sure he has no clue how he touched my life that day! I was feeling so very low...embarrassed, among other things. That short conversation I had with him truly put the wind back in my wings so I could lift my head and be confident and proud again. Because, you see, I identified with him. Different circumstances, obviously, but similar mindsets. I knew he "got" me...and he knew the same about me. I know his road has not been an easy one - this is true for anyone who lives with disability of any kind - and I know that he probably didn't always have the mentality he does now. But I also know that he got to where he is today by doing the physical and mental work it took to get there...and no one could do that for him. To me, Sgt Anthony Robinson, is a hero! I'm privileged to know many like him...but that day, he was also MY hero because he completely changed my mindset. There is a saying about the "battlefield of the mind"...and that day, he was my "battle buddy", even if he never knew it. My life was blessed that day...in one brief conversation...and for some reason, he said the same! God knows why...and I thank Him for it!
So, please remember when you're interacting with others, that you never know what that other person is going through...and who knows? YOU might be their hero that day.
I was honored to have my picture made with Sgt Anthony Robinson! Thank you for this moment in my life, sir!
The following is an excerpt from the Facebook page of Why I Ride, and the truest example of why I say we have very similar mindsets:
For those of you wondering about the title to this post, my Mama used to wake me up every morning with a song that comprised these lyrics:
The sun is up, the sun is shining bright
It chased away, the moon and the stars of night
The birds, the bees, the butterflies
Come a rollicking, joyful frolicking
Hail the day!
I HATED that song when I was a kid/teen!!! Now, looking back on those times, I so wish I could enjoy it once again (sort of! *smile*)!! I look back on those moments and laugh (while cringing! Haha!), but mostly I'm grateful for a mother who cared enough to wake me up every morning with a smile and a positive attitude (despite my grumpiness!)! It's for this reason that I decided to write this blog.
Dear Mama,
I know it wasn't easy raising a child with minimal Cerebral Palsy, but I didn't realize, until I became a Mama, just how much strength that took. You've told me stories about watching me fall and, after ensuring I was OK, making me get myself back up so I could learn how to do it on my own and be independent. First, I finally understand how incredibly HARD that is, especially when it goes against everything you feel inside!! You want to run to your child, pick them up and hold them, and make everything better...but that's not always what's in their best interest. You want to protect your child from the world and everything intent on hurting your child in any way. But, through moments like this, you chose to use them as teaching moments...to shape my thinking into understanding that I could do anything anybody else could, just maybe a little differently. All it took was figuring out what worked for me, and you helped me learn that at an early age. Second, I want you to truly know how grateful I am for that!! That trait alone is what has helped me survive in this world. I've been able to apply that "adapt and overcome" mentality into nearly every area in my life! It may take me awhile to figure out what works for me, so I may be "on the ground" longer than I'd like, but once I figure things out, I get back "on my feet and standing tall". Mama, you taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and the strength that it requires...and I admire you so much for that. It's amazing how much my eyes have been opened since I became a mother!
You taught me how to laugh at life...and even though I may be a little more on the serious side, you taught me that it was OK to be a little crazy too! LOL! The silly songs ("Dem bones gonna rise again!"), the holiday costumes, the "post-nap craziness"...all those things that I didn't seem to appreciate then, I so do now! Honestly, I find myself wishing I could be a little more like you in that way! My friends still remember those things about you! Oh, and how you used to love on my friends! I think sometimes, they loved/appreciated you more than I did (though, I'm ashamed to admit that!). I'm grateful for that and never fully realized the importance of that till I became a mom.
And then there were all the times in the kitchen...cooking/baking/canning. Those were some of my favorite memories and I truly learned from the best! I remember the pecan sandies (and powdered sugar everywhere!), licking the batter bowl, and my favorite was always licking the bowl from your homemade chocolate frosting!! YUM!!!!! (And it still is!!) I remember you teaching me to make fried okra...how you made it with cornmeal and fried it in a cast iron skillet, then baked it in the oven to give it that extra crispiness. That, by the way, was also a favorite!!
You were always there to take care of me when I was sick...from setting up that Devilbiss humidifier in my room, to Vicks Vaporub, making sure I had fresh, cool washcloths on my head, special foods to eat simply because it tasted good to me when I was sick...but most of all, just loving me...always loving me and having the patience of Job through it all.
You gave me my love for music...and some of my most favorite memories are of us singing together. My most favorite of those is singing on the front porch with you playing the guitar. You helped me learn to dance and I fell in love with it!! You encouraged me to try everything that interested me and you helped me through it! I was a cheerleader because you believed in me enough to encourage me to try! I overcame so many obstacles in my life because of your belief in me and because of your support!
Now, that I'm grown and a Mama myself, you're still there...listening, supporting, laughing, praying, keeping a certain favorite food on hand for when I stop by (*smile*), understanding, PRAYING (yes, that warrants repeating!). This list could go on, and I could cite SO many more examples in this blog, but the bottom line is this:
Unconditional love, FAITH, hope, strength, laughter, joy, independence, and a strong belief in our Lord...these are just some of the things you wove into my life and the foundation for who I am. Mama, you gave me the best parts of yourself and nothing I could ever give back could equal that. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, but Mama, you're perfect for me, and I'm so glad God chose you to be my Mama.
This Mother's Day, I couldn't think of the "perfect gift"...except the love and gratitude I feel in my heart. So, I decided to honor you in this way and share you with the world. Most of my life, you were content to be "behind the scenes", but Mama, you deserve to be in the spotlight. You truly are the Wind Beneath My Wings and I love you, honestly, with every fiber of my being. Happy Mother's Day!
This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my Mama - taken Christmas 2010, just a few months after her miraculous healing from colon cancer and a massive stroke!! SHE was the best gift I got that Christmas!!
Since we recently celebrated Easter/Resurrection Sunday, I can't think of a better time to "resurrect" my blog and to share some of what's been on my heart recently. Easter is slowly becoming my favorite holiday (not quite yet on par with Christmas!) because of the renewed HOPE that fills me, and gives me a totally fresh outlook on life as I watch new life spring forth all around me (yes, pun intended! Lol). But, mostly, I'm inspired because of what my Savior went through for me, even begging our Father to "let this cup pass from him", at one point. I'm quite sure he was scared at times, and didn't want to be tortured in the way that he knew was inevitable, yet He still took on all that...for ME, for ALL of us! He experienced immeasurable pain, suffering, and ultimately death in order that you and I could spend eternity with Him. (Talk about ultimate humbling!!) BUT...(and it's a big one!)...He didn't stay there! He rose from the grave...and LIVES today!! THAT excites me more than just about anything!! The grace and mercy he pours out on me daily...I just can't comprehend. But that's the beauty of it...I don't have to because it's a GIFT! All I have to do is accept it. Which brings me to the point of today's blog...
I recently attended a funeral of someone who took his own life. I have struggled over this, at times, wondering if there was something I could've done differently to help. My "big brother" (no blood relation, but family nonetheless) took his life nearly 4 years ago and I still struggle with that at times. I want so desperately for people to understand that taking your life is truly a permanent solution to a temporary problem! Maybe that sounds cliche, but it's something I've experienced to be true. I have struggled with depression in different seasons of my life and I KNOW that while you're in that mindset, it seems like whatever is happening in your life will be that way forever, that there's no end in sight. I also know that it's a real and viscious cycle to get out of. There's no right or wrong solution to this problem...the only thing that matters is what will work for you. For me, I go back to the story of the crucifixion, of THAT pain and suffering, and I'm instantly reminded that there IS light at the end of that proverbial tunnel...and it's proven in the resurrection!! All I have to do is receive/accept it. Psalm 71 has become very fitting for me recently...but specifically verse 14 which says, "as for me, I will always have hope." Does that mean I will never lose my way at times (make bad choices, poor judgment calls, give in to temptations, etc)?? No...absolutely not. I'm human. What it does mean, for me, is that I KNOW that He will guide me back to the path He's laid out for me when I'm ready to accept His guidance. That whole "having faith" thing? Yeah, that's me continuing to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward when some days I can't even see where I'm stepping. Some days those steps of faith are leaps and bounds...and other days, tiny baby steps. Either way, I'm still moving forward...and BELIEVING the good things my God has in store for me.
So, I say this to you: HOPE=Hold On, Pain Ends. It's a season...and it's temporary. Do what you need to do to take care of you. Reach out and talk to someone...anyone...that you trust! That light will once again shine through your tunnel...but you have to hold on to HOPE, wherever that may come from...and DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' (hold on to that feelin'!)'!!!
Much love to you all, friends!
Kati
PS - this blog is a work in progress, so bear with me through the changes! I promise it will be worth it! :)
This one may be a tad longer, folks because there's alot to say on this one.
I wasn't going to write anything about this at all, wasn't even going to talk about it. But due to an experience this past week, I felt it was necessary...not just because it's part of "my story", but for my own emotional healing, and to be able to look back on the significance of the moment. I'm going to try and relay the story as best as I can, but to be honest, it's all kind of jumbled together. Many emotions, thoughts, actions...stuff...all happening at once.
So, what was the experience you ask?? I reached my very first mile on a bike at the gym on Jan 2!!! FIRST. MILE. EVER (the next one came on Sunday, Jan 5 via the treadmill)!!! Yes, totally exciting for me! But even bigger was in the getting there.
So, since I've started this journey to the 5K, the actual joints in my feet have started bothering me because of the way I walk, and it can be very painful at times. The treadmill aggravates it, so I've had to limit the instances I'm on the treadmill and find some alternatives. That meant heading to the gym! Ugh....
You have to understand that I'm terrified of going to gyms. I'm super self-conscious and feel monumentally "less than" every time I enter one. BUT, they're the only place that has the kind of bike I can ride (my tailbone has been broken 3 times in my life, so riding a regular bike is out of the question. I have to use the one where you essentially sit in the chair.), so it was time for me to bite the bullet and conquer this fear in order to keep on my journey to the 5k. The gym I chose is open 24/7 and I like that because I can go when no one is there or at "non-peak" times. But, the cool thing is when I went in, I didn't feel judged or anything! Matter of fact, after hearing my reason for coming to the gym, they were cheering for me and giving me ideas of things I could do to help me on my journey. They even let me try some stuff for free to see if it would work for me. Even the other people in the gym seemed nice! As I observed how the staff interacted with the gym members, it really felt very much like a "family". Lots of scores for this gym. (The biggest one though is that my niece teaches there and I'm hoping to take her class soon!) I left the gym that night in tears...not because I was in pain (well, OK...I WAS in pain because I'd just gone a mile on the bike!) but because I had overcome a HUGE fear of mine and it turned out to be a great experience!!! Little by little, the bonds of fear and inadequacy are being stripped away through this single journey!
Finally and probably the most important... up until this moment, NOBODY, including my son, realized the level of pain I've been in daily or how much my mobility had declined. I don't want to worry people with it and I'm really not the type of person to complain about it. As long as I'm still upright and moving, I'm good...and I'm smiling! I'll figure out a way to do what needs to be done. But, remember in the beginning when I was describing my muscles and how tight they were? That they were like a rubber band stretched to capacity ALL the time, and when I exercise, the tension eases while also making my muscles a little weaker?? Can you imagine being that tight ALL the time?? Imagine the tension you feel in your neck and shoulders when you're stressed or even slept wrong...and then imagine that feeling, times 5, across your whole body, but specifically your legs and hips. That's what I live with daily. The longer I go without exercise, the tighter my muscles get (making it SO much easier for me to fall!)...which makes exercise that much harder. It truly is a vicious cycle...and a PAINFUL one...and I've been on a fast track to a wheelchair and just didn't know it. I kept putting everything and everyone before me...even still...thinking "Oh, it's OK this time. I'll suck it up and deal with the consequences later." But the problem is that "this time" leads to another and another and another...and before you know it, weeks and months pass and I'm not moving so good. I don't take pain medicine other than Advil because it knocks me out and that just isn't acceptable to me. So, I find other ways to deal with the pain.
Where am I going with this?? It's certainly not a "woe is me" post...quite the opposite. It's to illustrate that despite the pain and even immobility, at times...despite the fact that when I'm on the treadmill and it burns so bad I just want to give up and quit...despite the fact that I continuously fight the thoughts in my head of quitting, failing, giving up...despite the worry over having the money for some of the therapy needed for my mobility...despite the FEAR of ALL those things, I KEEP GOING!!! Because...the Voice of Truth tells me a different story, says "Do NOT be afraid!" My former SgtMaj once told me that it was no coincidence that I was in the position I'm in, that I was meant to be there. (We had spoken often about how we believed that God places us where we need to be even when we don't realize it) I have been blessed in countless ways in my service to both the Army National Guard and the Marine Corps...but I can honestly say that this particular journey may very well have saved my mobility and maybe even my life. I'm forever grateful for this challenge and it's not just because that the people I work with motivate and inspire me (and push me and won't accept excuses!), it's that they also believe in me, give me hope, and help me believe in myself.
I thank God for the men and women I work with every day, for all the reasons I just mentioned and simply for keeping me laughing, which is the best medicine...for my Mama, Granny and Grandpa who taught me how to push through and that there's "more than one way to skin a cat"!...and finally, for my sons who love me completely and are here to take care of me when I hurt too bad to touch (haha!).
Thank you for sharing in my journey! There's strength in numbers...and when we share our journeys, we find people who can relate in one way or another, and by doing so, offer support. I know this may seem like no big deal to some, but for me, I may as well be climbing Mt. Everest. Yes, I may talk about the pain, but it's only in the lowest of valleys that we appreciate the mountaintops...and let's face it, we all have our valleys! I think the pain may also be a way for my hard-headed self to remember this and not let myself get to this point...EVER again! LOL! This is the biggest physical and mental challenge I've ever taken on...and there's smaller battles I'm fighting daily. I hope that as I share my experience - good, bad, painful, silly - that it can, in some way, help someone else.
I hope each of you had a great time last night bringing in 2014 in whatever way you chose to do so. I hope you were able to be surrounded by friends, family, and loved ones, but if not, I hope that you were enveloped in the warmth of love from those who love you!
Dec 30, I posted my "Facebook Year in Review" on my Facebook page. Basically, it summed up my "20 greatest moments of 2013". If you haven't tried it, maybe you should. It's pretty cool! BUT, it got me to thinking about my past year and honestly, while I have had many trials, bumps, hills, and valleys during my journey through 2013, I have had MANY more "mountain-top moments". Those are the moments when you can look back and understand why the climb to get there was so difficult, or why you had to go through the valley...but ultimately, those "mountain-top moments" are inexplicably amazing and the "view" from that place is like no other. Those are the moments I savor and file away in my memory bank. For it's those moments that help me get through the valleys and the climbs...and over the hills and bumps!
It occurred to me that the common theme in my greatest "mountain-top moments" is LOVE. I am very blessed to be surrounded with lots of it...but I'm even more blessed to be able to share my love with others!! That's the ONE thing that gives me the greatest joy...loving others. I can't imagine life without that. I have said before that I would rather feel too deeply than not at all. Loving with my WHOLE heart means that I get hurt, but it also means that I experience the greatest gifts we are given in this life. If I haven't said it before, I will say it now...I am a Christian and I do have a very strong faith in my God. This didn't happen as a result of teachings from my childhood, or even into my adulthood...it is a direct result of experiences in my life and in my relationship with Him. That is what I believe...that your relationship with God (or your higher power) is just that...YOUR relationship. Purely intimate and purely personal. No one can tell you what that looks like. For me, I know who I have to answer to when my day comes...and as I grow older, my desire to grow that relationship increases. BUT...it's because of that relationship that I have learned what love truly is...not what I once thought was love. Some days, most days actually, I just can't believe that He loves me as much as He does.
Life is short. Too short, it seems, at times. I have lost many people in my "immediate circle", some WAY too soon! My dad died when I was 12. One of my best friends passed not long after he did. I've had friends and loved ones commit suicide or suffer from terminal illness. But through it all...I am blessed to say that we shared the gift of love. Each day is a new day to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize that opportunity because we are not guaranteed tomorrow! I get picked on sometimes for being "overly emotional"...but really, I would rather tell somebody what's on my heart while I have the chance than risk them never knowing. To my friends, family and loved ones who read this - I hope you know how MUCH you are loved and appreciated by me!
Many people kick off the new year with all kinds of new plans and dreams and hopes and ideas...most call those resolutions. While I certainly understand and appreciate that, I honestly have never really done that because life happens...and while you may start out with the best of intentions, life will throw you a curve ball and you may not be able to keep one of those "resolutions". (To be fair, I tried it one year and felt bad about myself when life happened and I couldn't keep one of my "resolutions". So, I vowed never again... lol!) I do get excited to see a new year come in. It marks a new chapter...a new story in our lives. And I DO set goals for myself, my future, and my family. But, really, I try to look at EACH day as a fresh start full of possibilities...to live EACH day to best of my abilities. One of my friends uses the phrase "CARPE DIEM" in his signature block and that means "seize the day". So, while it's a great thing to have goals, both short-term and long-term, don't forget to SEIZE EACH DAY...live it to the fullest. Wake up the next day aiming to be better than the day before. Again, we are not guaranteed tomorrow, so make the most of today.
Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein
I wish for each of you beautiful moments, treasured memories, and all the blessings a heart can know in 2014!
Ok, now that you have some background information, how about we talk about the initial reason for this blog? The actual race! The Spartan 5K!
How this race idea came about is rather amusing. See, this is something I've had on my "bucket list" for quite some time...probably because I was told when I was younger that I wouldn't be able to do things like this. And, well, to be perfectly honest, it was HARD! HOWEVER, I used to teach line dance lessons once upon a time and when I was dancing 6 nights a week, you couldn't really tell I walked any differently than anyone else. But, yeah...I'm that girl that will show you I CAN when you tell me I CAN'T. Hahaha!! So, one of the Master Sergeants I work with came into my office about 5 weeks ago and said "Spartan 5K. March 22/23. You in??" I looked at him and said "Are you CRAZY?? I just saw what y'all did with the Tough Mudder this weekend...I can't do that!!" He said, "Yes you can, and I'll tell you why! I watched a man in a wheelchair make it through the Tough Mudder. If he can do THAT, you can do THIS. Besides, I'm gonna be right there with you through the whole thing...and if I have to throw you on my back or walk beside you the whole way, then that's what I'll do. But I promise you that I will get you to the finish line!" It took me a few hours to make the decision to do this, because I knew my road ahead was going to be tough, and quite frankly, I was afraid. I was mostly afraid of failing at this, but I was lovingly reminded that I'll always fail if I never try. THAT was one principle that I was raised on too, and I was encouraged to try everything! Interesting that through this experience, it's bringing me back to my roots.
So - on to training! Keep in mind that I have NEVER stepped foot on a treadmill before, nor have I ever done any form of endurance exercise like walking or running. When I got on the treadmill for the very first time, my goal was 1/4 mile for the first week...and I REACHED my goal!!! My pace was roughly 1.2 mph and I even set it for "rolling hills" knowing that when the race came, I would be dealing with some rolling hills. Lol! But I learned something in the process. This journey was going to be as much of a mental journey as a physical one. Why? Because the entire time I was walking, I had to tell myself "pick your feet up, put your heels down, stand up straight, etc" - things that most people do automatically. These don't come "automatic" for me right now, but if I don't do them, my leg muscles will burn out fast. So, I'm trying to keep up with the treadmill, trying to maintain motivation to keep from quitting (walking is NOT one of my favorite pastimes, just saying!), AND mentally coaching myself while I do it. It's TOUGH! My arms are also getting a workout because I'm having to really hold on to maintain my balance on the treadmill and keep from falling. So - my whole body is sore when I'm through...but surprisingly, I think it's a GOOD thing!!
The plan was to maintain 1/4 mile for a couple of weeks, then move up to a 1/2 mile...then 3/4 mile...and so on. I am currently up to 3/4 mile at a pace of 2mph. It's painful...the actual bones and joints in my feet hurt...some days, really bad. My legs and arms are sore. But, somehow, I seem to be managing well. This past weekend we had drill...and I announced my journey to the Marines during formation. I just wanted to share my excitement with my Marine family after I had made some announcements. They all cheered for me!! I even had a couple ask me if they could be on my team!! When I told them I wasn't doing this to win, only to finish, and that I was probably going to walk the entire thing, they responded with, "That's OK, Ms. Kati. We'll be walking right beside you!" I'm so blessed!!
To think, the people I so greatly admire believe in me so much that they think I can do this...AND they are willing to help me get there. I'm...just incredibly humbled. I don't have any other words. To feel like I'm part of the team is truly the best feeling I could ever ask for! Thank you for the push, MSgt Vest!!
