This is My Fight Song!

Since my last post, I've had many questions about the specifics of what's going on and what will be taking place. Without going into any graphic detail, I hope this will answer many questions.

In a nutshell, I have a tumor in my pelvis that is the size of a grapefruit. At this time, it appears to be nothing serious, but that will be determined better during surgery when they can send it to pathology for testing. What is most concerning to all is that in 2007, during what was supposed to be an "easy peasy" laparoscopic partial hysterectomy, it turned into something that nearly cost me my life and ended up with me being opened up again at my c-section scar. Apparently, my "belly is a mess" (as my OBGYN put it!) and based on past surgical experience, this procedure is cause for concern.

I've been referred to a Gynecologic Oncologist at the Novant Cancer Center for this procedure, someone who specializes in difficult pelvic surgeries, as well as equipped to handle treatment IF cancer becomes a factor (which we're believing it's not!). According to her, what they don't know, and won't be able to tell until they're in there, is if this large tumor has attached itself to other organs or done any other damage internally. It's entirely possible given that the pelvic area is so small and this tumor is so large. So, because of all the "what if's", they are going to have to do a vertical incision in my abdomen in order to be able to get this thing out, but also to access anything else that may need repair.

Remember in my last post, I said I was a woman with a strong belief in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?? I stand on that, but it doesn't eliminate fear and a wide variety of other thoughts and emotions from hitting me. For example, I'm upset over having an ugly scar going up and down on my already ugly belly...and as a woman, I struggle with the emotion of that. Is it vain? Probably so...but I live in this world, too, and unfortunately, that is part of this world. I catch myself thinking "I already walk differently, now this will be something else to add to it..." and that "self-conscious demon" starts to whisper in my ear.

But the biggest example of how being strong in my faith, but still battling fear, comes with facing my own mortality. We all have to, at some point, and if I'm being real, it's something NONE of us wants to do because it's monumentally unpleasant. As an adult, it's the responsible thing to do...but it SUCKS! That said, I have found some peace in writing letters, my "last wishes", my will, etc knowing that by doing so my loved ones are taken care of. Once this heaviest part of this journey is off my shoulders, I'll be free to truly fight and get confidently in that zone of positivity and healing.

You may be asking about this fight that I'm talking about...let me explain. I know from personal experience that my attitude has EVERYTHING to do with whatever I'm facing, and something this big, I must keep a PMA (positive mental attitude!) in order to be successful! I've been down the road of major depression, as I've battled that and anxiety most of my life. I know what that feels like. I know what a difficult spiral that can be and I refuse to ever go back. I cannot take medication for it, so I've had to learn to manage it in different ways and leaning on my Father is one of them. Being a very spiritual person, I also know my enemy knows this about me and preys on my thoughts and emotions. After all, he seeks whatever means necessary to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). So, I can already feel the fight coming...and while I know that my God is fighting the biggest part of it, I also know I have to do my part. When those "bad days" come, when the fear of not seeing my son get married or meeting my grandbabies, or leaving my Mama, my dog or my friends sets in (and it usually comes on slow and lingers!), it's those thoughts, those days that I need to fight back the hardest. THOSE THOUGHTS WILL NOT CONSUME ME!

This battle begins in my mind and it's a difficult one to fight, so I'm calling on reinforcements. I know that music has the ability to transform my entire being. While I generally listen to Christian music, old school country or southern rock, I now need a new playlist...some adrenaline-pumping, kick-ass (yes, I said it!), fighting-back music! My theme song this year is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten, because I AM fighting back AND taking back my life...the one I know God has intended for me! I will no longer be afraid to say the things that need to be said or do the things that need doing...or even the things that I want to do. I will no longer apologize for who I am or the way I can be at times. God created me the way I am for a purpose...and every struggle WE have tackled, I've come through stronger because of it. This will be no different. Born more than 3 months premature, I have been a fighter from Day 1 and I will continue to be.

Surgery will take place June 23, and during this week of preparation, I have already been significantly tested in a myriad of ways. I feel the big fight coming and I've already felt knocked down. So, I'm asking you to please help me in my fight by sending me song suggestions that will fit my new playlist as mentioned above. But know this...that I'm suiting up for battle and I WILL NOT let this defeat me!