"The Voice of Truth tells me a different story..."

This one may be a tad longer, folks because there's alot to say on this one.

I wasn't going to write anything about this at all, wasn't even going to talk about it. But due to an experience this past week, I felt it was necessary...not just because it's part of "my story", but for my own emotional healing, and to be able to look back on the significance of the moment. I'm going to try and relay the story as best as I can, but to be honest, it's all kind of jumbled together. Many emotions, thoughts, actions...stuff...all happening at once.

So, what was the experience you ask?? I reached my very first mile on a bike at the gym on Jan 2!!! FIRST. MILE. EVER (the next one came on Sunday, Jan 5 via the treadmill)!!! Yes, totally exciting for me! But even bigger was in the getting there.

So, since I've started this journey to the 5K, the actual joints in my feet have started bothering me because of the way I walk, and it can be very painful at times. The treadmill aggravates it, so I've had to limit the instances I'm on the treadmill and find some alternatives. That meant heading to the gym! Ugh....

You have to understand that I'm terrified of going to gyms. I'm super self-conscious and feel monumentally "less than" every time I enter one. BUT, they're the only place that has the kind of bike I can ride (my tailbone has been broken 3 times in my life, so riding a regular bike is out of the question. I have to use the one where you essentially sit in the chair.), so it was time for me to bite the bullet and conquer this fear in order to keep on my journey to the 5k. The gym I chose is open 24/7 and I like that because I can go when no one is there or at "non-peak" times. But, the cool thing is when I went in, I didn't feel judged or anything! Matter of fact, after hearing my reason for coming to the gym, they were cheering for me and giving me ideas of things I could do to help me on my journey. They even let me try some stuff for free to see if it would work for me. Even the other people in the gym seemed nice! As I observed how the staff interacted with the gym members, it really felt very much like a "family". Lots of scores for this gym. (The biggest one though is that my niece teaches there and I'm hoping to take her class soon!) I left the gym that night in tears...not because I was in pain (well, OK...I WAS in pain because I'd just gone a mile on the bike!) but because I had overcome a HUGE fear of mine and it turned out to be a great experience!!! Little by little, the bonds of fear and inadequacy are being stripped away through this single journey!

Finally and probably the most important... up until this moment, NOBODY, including my son, realized the level of pain I've been in daily or how much my mobility had declined. I don't want to worry people with it and I'm really not the type of person to complain about it. As long as I'm still upright and moving, I'm good...and I'm smiling! I'll figure out a way to do what needs to be done. But, remember in the beginning when I was describing my muscles and how tight they were? That they were like a rubber band stretched to capacity ALL the time, and when I exercise, the tension eases while also making my muscles a little weaker?? Can you imagine being that tight ALL the time?? Imagine the tension you feel in your neck and shoulders when you're stressed or even slept wrong...and then imagine that feeling, times 5, across your whole body, but specifically your legs and hips. That's what I live with daily. The longer I go without exercise, the tighter my muscles get (making it SO much easier for me to fall!)...which makes exercise that much harder. It truly is a vicious cycle...and a PAINFUL one...and I've been on a fast track to a wheelchair and just didn't know it. I kept putting everything and everyone before me...even still...thinking "Oh, it's OK this time. I'll suck it up and deal with the consequences later." But the problem is that "this time" leads to another and another and another...and before you know it, weeks and months pass and I'm not moving so good. I don't take pain medicine other than Advil because it knocks me out and that just isn't acceptable to me. So, I find other ways to deal with the pain.

Where am I going with this?? It's certainly not a "woe is me" post...quite the opposite. It's to illustrate that despite the pain and even immobility, at times...despite the fact that when I'm on the treadmill and it burns so bad I just want to give up and quit...despite the fact that I continuously fight the thoughts in my head of quitting, failing, giving up...despite the worry over having the money for some of the therapy needed for my mobility...despite the FEAR of ALL those things, I KEEP GOING!!! Because...the Voice of Truth tells me a different story, says "Do NOT be afraid!" My former SgtMaj once told me that it was no coincidence that I was in the position I'm in, that I was meant to be there. (We had spoken often about how we believed that God places us where we need to be even when we don't realize it) I have been blessed in countless ways in my service to both the Army National Guard and the Marine Corps...but I can honestly say that this particular journey may very well have saved my mobility and maybe even my life. I'm forever grateful for this challenge and it's not just because that the people I work with motivate and inspire me (and push me and won't accept excuses!), it's that they also believe in me, give me hope, and help me believe in myself.

I thank God for the men and women I work with every day, for all the reasons I just mentioned and simply for keeping me laughing, which is the best medicine...for my Mama, Granny and Grandpa who taught me how to push through and that there's "more than one way to skin a cat"!...and finally, for my sons who love me completely and are here to take care of me when I hurt too bad to touch (haha!).

Thank you for sharing in my journey! There's strength in numbers...and when we share our journeys, we find people who can relate in one way or another, and by doing so, offer support. I know this may seem like no big deal to some, but for me, I may as well be climbing Mt. Everest. Yes, I may talk about the pain, but it's only in the lowest of valleys that we appreciate the mountaintops...and let's face it, we all have our valleys! I think the pain may also be a way for my hard-headed self to remember this and not let myself get to this point...EVER again! LOL! This is the biggest physical and mental challenge I've ever taken on...and there's smaller battles I'm fighting daily. I hope that as I share my experience - good, bad, painful, silly - that it can, in some way, help someone else.

Be blessed, y'all! :-)