...2...1...GO!

Day 2 before surgery is in the books! 1 more day and a wake up...if I even sleep tomorrow!

There were lots of tears today as I walked away from my office. The uncertainty of the future is scary. I will miss the faces of the family I spend my every day with. I will miss saying "farewell" to those who will be changing duty stations while I'm recovering. So much will have changed by the time I return. Mostly, I will miss the way they all make me smile and laugh each and every day! I love my Marine family...more than I have words to say...and even on the days they make me crazy! hahaha! As I walked out of my office shaking and in tears today, one of the Marines I work with hugged me and carried my things to my car for me. He told me that everything was going to be fine, that they loved me and would be coming to see me. In that moment, the reality of how much my Marine family is there for me...and has been there for me...hit me and I felt it one more time. People wonder why I work like I do...that's why, and there's a million more reasons I could add to it.

The day was made better when I arrived home to find a good friend waiting on me at my house. She came to brighten my day with a visit, some fresh blueberries, and even baked me some amazing blueberry muffins!! We tested her recipe with my gluten free flour and they were awesome!!! I am super excited to have muffins in the freezer to come home to!

Another friend came over shortly after, brought Taco Bell, and continued to help me get all my paperwork in order because she knew my brain was on overload and I just couldn't make any more decisions. As we finished up, I could feel my anxiety settling some as I became more confident about where things are and where to direct people while I'm recovering.

And then...my sweet son made dinner for us tonight...a late one, but VERY tasty! Chicken, brown rice, onion, cilantro...and all kinds of yumminess! He's scared too, but trying his best to give me what he can. That young man holds my whole heart.

I have been showered with blessings today, and in the past few days, in so many ways! I'm grateful to a God who fights the bigger battle so that fear doesn't consume me; who loves me enough to show me just how much through the people He sends my way.

Tonight, I'm going to sleep...for a long time.

Tomorrow, I have some last minute things to wrap up for work, but I'm not pushing myself. I seriously doubt that I will sleep again before surgery, and if I do, it will be minimal. I will be focused on lists to make, my bag to pack for the hospital, and spending time with my loved ones in person or over the phone. I have much to look forward to tomorrow and it will be a good day...

...but for now, it's time to sleep. Sweet dreams, my friends! <3 <3 <3

3...2...1...GO!

Day 3 of the final countdown to surgery!

3 days left until the big day! Today, my head has been swimming with all the stuff...the loose ends still left to do (including a house to clean!)...the lists that still need writing...have I talked to everyone? Have I said what needs to be said?? Have I said "I love you" enough and ensured the recipients knew it? Have I detailed out everything for work?? What am I missing??

UGH!!! Somebody stop the madness! All these questions and thoughts are making me crazy and I think my brain just might explode!

But, as I stop to think about it...you know what I think is the root of all of this? I am struggling to release control...and I am struggling to accept that there are things beyond my control. Ouch! Let that sink in for a moment. Control. Letting go. It's a tough thing, though...especially when you care so much. Whether it be my family, friends, or my job...my heart is incredibly full...and it's my sole purpose in life at this moment to take care of them all! I'M supposed to be the one taking care of everybody...it's not right for it to be the other way around!! Not at all! So...here I am struggling with "all the feels".

I have been beat up from every angle over the last few weeks, but most especially this past week. Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally...yeah, I've battled it. I won't go into details here and, suffice it to say, I'm worn to a frazzle, but I'm still standing! There was talk about delaying my surgery due to a sinus infection, but that won't be happening now. The antibiotics are doing their job! So, even that hasn't gotten me down! (Is it bad to say that I'm actually looking forward to the meds that will make me sleep??? I'M TIRED!!! haha!)

Tomorrow, I say goodbye to some of the staff I've worked with for 2-3 years now. They will be leaving while I'm in recovery and that is a VERY bitter pill to swallow for me. Tomorrow will be tears. But tonight, I must rest and remember that Jesus has this wheel...and He's steering this vessel all through this journey! I have to hold on to my faith in that when all else seems to be chaos. I'm learning huge lessons about faith through this. Sweet dreams, my friends. Tomorrow is another day!

Did you ever know that you're my hero? And everything I would like to be...

Here's some real truth. If we allow it, we will continuously meet people who inspire us to be better people in whatever capacity that means. There are people who inspire us professionally; people who inspire us spiritually; people who inspire us creatively; people who inspire us in whatever passion we are pursuing...and I could go on, but you get the idea. But very few people will actually leave such a permanent footprint in our lives that they go beyond "inspiration". To me, these people are known as "heroes". Webster's dictionary defines hero as this:

• a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities
• a person who is greatly admired

On this day (June 18) was born one of my greatest heroes, my grandmother, Marillyn Maxson. I have gushed many times over my sweet Mama, and while today is her birthday also, this blog post is for her mother. :)

Words even fail me now as I think about the impact she's had on my life. You see, my grandmother went blind due to complications from diabetes when I was 5 years old. Now, I'm sure she had her times of grief, frustration and anger, but that's something I never saw. Everything I saw in her was LOVE first (and always), HOPE, DETERMINATION, and most of all ABILITY!

My grandmother taught me how to knit, crochet, macrame, play cards, cook, crafts of all kinds...and so much more...and she did it completely blind. She cooked every meal, every day, including all of our family and holiday meals...and she did it completely blind and for most of my life. She lobbied for better handicapped parking and public accessibility and she helped form Programs for Accessible Living (PAL) which is now Disability Rights, Inc. She was even the president of the YWCA!!

But, one of the greatest things about my grandmother was her passion for educating people, especially about disabilites. I was taught at a very young age to be open about mine so others would have an understanding. When she got her first seeing eye dog, she took her "show on the road" to elementary schools to teach children about disabilities. She would bring blind folds for children to experience "blindness", sound-proof headphones for children to experience "hearing loss", ankle weights for children to experience "mobility issues", etc, believing that experiencing led to understanding. But the highlight of it all was her dog. Everybody loved her dog, especially the kids.

Now that I have my own service dog, some have said that I'm following in my grandmother's footsteps by educating people on new types of disabilities and their varying degrees. Many people still don't know what a mobility service dog is for, and while I would be happy to explain now, this just isn't the post for that. Suffice to say, Lyla helps me with many tasks that I would otherwise struggle with. My experiences with my service dog have helped me to relate to my grandmother in ways I had never thought of before - some good (like being able to educate people), some not so good (like walking into a store or restaurant with all eyes on you and your dog and hearing the whispers). So, in those not-so-good times, I'm reminded of my grandmother and the confidence she possessed and I draw my own from it.

I'm grateful to my grandmother for setting such a wonderful example of "handicapable" - that's a phrase she came up with because she never saw herself (or me!) as handicapped. We were still plenty able to do anything we set our minds to. Her example taught me how to think outside the box on how to do things I wanted to do if the "typical" way was too difficult. If you had met my grandmother, you would barely know she was blind. Heck, I've even watched her cut bad spots out of fruits and vegetables better than a sighted person (ok, that sighted person is me, but we're not going there! haha!)!

She was the epitome of grace, strength and courage...but most especially love! My grandmother loved all who crossed her path. To be put in the same category as her is one of the biggest compliments I could ever be paid and I'm humbled that some do think that way. There's a reason a day was proclaimed in her honor in 1989 by our Mayor - she was a remarkable woman who was a champion for those who battled disability of any type. She never let hers stop her! Dimentia ended up doing just that...but not her blindness. She had better sight than most people I know.

Thank you for your contributions to this world, Granny! You are fondly remembered by many and the impact you made here continues to amaze me. I love and miss you every day, but I'm thankful for the path you laid out for me! While I'm not sure I'll ever fill your shoes, I hope to walk in your footsteps one day!

This picture was taken for The Charlotte Observer in 1989 in honor of her special proclamation. 

It's the Final Countdown!!!

Well...we're down to one week!! One week from today till surgery! Thursday, June 23 is the day!

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that I ONLY have 1 WEEK! 1 week to tie up loose ends at work and at home. 1 week to finish the preparations. 1 week...to cram in as much time as I can with the people I love! Where am I going to find the time to get it all done?? (Insert Panic!)

And then those "What If...'s" come creeping in, bringing more panic!

And then..."life happens"...leveling me once again (it's happened plenty of times just since I've started blogging about this journey!)!

And then...all of a sudden the brakes slam on this out-of-control-vehicle in my brain and I'm reminded of who the author of fear is; the very one who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy me. It's in that moment when I've realized I've begun to stumble and that I need to reconnect with my Solid Ground. It's in that moment that I'm reminded of HOPE, of HEALING, of PEACE - the calm amidst the storm.

So, as I approach this week, I'm very aware of the love that surrounds me. I'm grateful for it and it's truly the greatest gift in my life. I'm momumentally thankful for the prayers, words of encouragment and well wishes. I'm getting done as much as I can get done and I'm surrendering what I can't (which is a REALLY big pill for me to swallow!!). I'm scared, and at times, may cry more than I'd like. But I put that kick-ass playlist on and I get mad...mad at the one who's playing games with me, mad at the one who is whispering some of my biggest fears in my ear, and I fight back with the Truth and the knowledge that my enemy has already lost!

I am expecting all to go well. I'm expecting to feel much better after I've recovered. But most of all, I am expecting to be "good as new" because, more than ever, I am being reminded that I am here for a purpose...and it's not finished yet. I still have work to do!

I was given this scripture tonight...and it's perfect for this next week! It's one I haven't seen before, but definitely one for the Memory Bank:

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."  (Zephaniah 3:17)

As I spend time with my loved ones this week, this often-quoted scripture comes to mind :
"...Faith, Hope and Love - and the greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13:13)
This verse right here...it's what gets me through. It's the greatest "weapon" I have when the fear kicks in, because I'm instantly reminded of all the love and concern that surrounds me every day...and THAT drives away the fear! 

So..."as for me, I will always have HOPE"! (Psalm 71:14)

I Can See the Light of a Clear Blue Morning...Everything's Gonna Be Alright, It's Gonna Be OK!

I have been asked recently why all my blog post titles were song lyrics. Well, that's an easy answer...because music is a huge part of me, it's the background of my life, so it makes sense that I make it part of my blog about my life experiences. It has the power to transform my entire being. One song can trigger sadness, or nostalgia, or sheer happiness. A song can empower me and get my adrenaline pumping. And sometimes it can make me so happy that I can't stop singing! Today's title is one of THOSE songs! It's from the movie "Straight Talk" with Dolly Parton. One of my favorite singers, one of my favorite movies, and without question one of my favorite "feel good" songs that instantly puts a smile on my face...much like you have done for me over the last several days!

Last week, I asked for reinforcements for the battle I'll be facing with my surgery. I have been overwhelmed with words of encouragement, prayers, and SONGS - both familiar and new to me! I am humbled, grateful and OVERJOYED!! I honestly have no words to express how completely full my heart is! Today marks 2 weeks until I go in for surgery. Yesterday, I got most of the heaviest parts of my family responsibilities completed. I have since been allowing all those gifts of love to truly soak in to the deepest places of my soul! I am so grateful to each of you who took a moment to write to me. Please know that I will be capturing every message to look back on while I'm recovering and keep checking in as I love those quick "Hey! Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!" notes just as much! Time is the most precious gift we have and I feel honored that you chose to spend some of yours on me.

I am beyond grateful to those who have come to help me prepare my home for recovery so my mind and spirit can truly rest and recover without worry; I am beyond grateful for the care and concern shown to me at work and by my colleagues as I prepare to be away for awhile; and I am beyond grateful to those willing to help look after me while I'm recovering! I am very much a blessed girl and I don't have adequate words to express my thanks! Truly!

As the heaviness from certain responsibilites lifted yesterday, it was as if I could feel the heaviness lifting away from my spirit, as well. My spirit is truly at peace down deep and it's a peace that runs so deep, nothing seems to penetrate it. That surface level fear is still there, trying to break through and destroy that peace, but fortunately, I recognize that, know that it's superficial, and choose to run it off quickly. (The songs help!) Today, I CAN see the light of a clear blue morning and I'm believing the best is yet to come from this surgery. I won't say that I'm confident in this procedure, because I would be lying, but I AM believing the best...that Everything's Gonna Be Alright, It's Gonna Be Ok! As I've said before, I'm confident in the One who has all this in His hands, and ultimately, that's where my confidence needs to be!

Friends, you have been so good to me and I wish you could all see the big smiles you bring to my face! I wish so desperately that I could reach out and hug each and every one of you and spend some quality time with EACH of you to lift you up, speak life into you and affirm you...to be the blessing that you've been to me! My goal is that one day I will! Until then, feel free to comment here, message me on Facebook (Kati Posey Toney) or Snapchat (katitoney) and KNOW that I love you!

Thank you for helping me work through the darkness so I can see the light again! Enjoy this song!

Dolly Parton - Light of a Clear Blue Morning

This is My Fight Song!

Since my last post, I've had many questions about the specifics of what's going on and what will be taking place. Without going into any graphic detail, I hope this will answer many questions.

In a nutshell, I have a tumor in my pelvis that is the size of a grapefruit. At this time, it appears to be nothing serious, but that will be determined better during surgery when they can send it to pathology for testing. What is most concerning to all is that in 2007, during what was supposed to be an "easy peasy" laparoscopic partial hysterectomy, it turned into something that nearly cost me my life and ended up with me being opened up again at my c-section scar. Apparently, my "belly is a mess" (as my OBGYN put it!) and based on past surgical experience, this procedure is cause for concern.

I've been referred to a Gynecologic Oncologist at the Novant Cancer Center for this procedure, someone who specializes in difficult pelvic surgeries, as well as equipped to handle treatment IF cancer becomes a factor (which we're believing it's not!). According to her, what they don't know, and won't be able to tell until they're in there, is if this large tumor has attached itself to other organs or done any other damage internally. It's entirely possible given that the pelvic area is so small and this tumor is so large. So, because of all the "what if's", they are going to have to do a vertical incision in my abdomen in order to be able to get this thing out, but also to access anything else that may need repair.

Remember in my last post, I said I was a woman with a strong belief in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?? I stand on that, but it doesn't eliminate fear and a wide variety of other thoughts and emotions from hitting me. For example, I'm upset over having an ugly scar going up and down on my already ugly belly...and as a woman, I struggle with the emotion of that. Is it vain? Probably so...but I live in this world, too, and unfortunately, that is part of this world. I catch myself thinking "I already walk differently, now this will be something else to add to it..." and that "self-conscious demon" starts to whisper in my ear.

But the biggest example of how being strong in my faith, but still battling fear, comes with facing my own mortality. We all have to, at some point, and if I'm being real, it's something NONE of us wants to do because it's monumentally unpleasant. As an adult, it's the responsible thing to do...but it SUCKS! That said, I have found some peace in writing letters, my "last wishes", my will, etc knowing that by doing so my loved ones are taken care of. Once this heaviest part of this journey is off my shoulders, I'll be free to truly fight and get confidently in that zone of positivity and healing.

You may be asking about this fight that I'm talking about...let me explain. I know from personal experience that my attitude has EVERYTHING to do with whatever I'm facing, and something this big, I must keep a PMA (positive mental attitude!) in order to be successful! I've been down the road of major depression, as I've battled that and anxiety most of my life. I know what that feels like. I know what a difficult spiral that can be and I refuse to ever go back. I cannot take medication for it, so I've had to learn to manage it in different ways and leaning on my Father is one of them. Being a very spiritual person, I also know my enemy knows this about me and preys on my thoughts and emotions. After all, he seeks whatever means necessary to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). So, I can already feel the fight coming...and while I know that my God is fighting the biggest part of it, I also know I have to do my part. When those "bad days" come, when the fear of not seeing my son get married or meeting my grandbabies, or leaving my Mama, my dog or my friends sets in (and it usually comes on slow and lingers!), it's those thoughts, those days that I need to fight back the hardest. THOSE THOUGHTS WILL NOT CONSUME ME!

This battle begins in my mind and it's a difficult one to fight, so I'm calling on reinforcements. I know that music has the ability to transform my entire being. While I generally listen to Christian music, old school country or southern rock, I now need a new playlist...some adrenaline-pumping, kick-ass (yes, I said it!), fighting-back music! My theme song this year is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten, because I AM fighting back AND taking back my life...the one I know God has intended for me! I will no longer be afraid to say the things that need to be said or do the things that need doing...or even the things that I want to do. I will no longer apologize for who I am or the way I can be at times. God created me the way I am for a purpose...and every struggle WE have tackled, I've come through stronger because of it. This will be no different. Born more than 3 months premature, I have been a fighter from Day 1 and I will continue to be.

Surgery will take place June 23, and during this week of preparation, I have already been significantly tested in a myriad of ways. I feel the big fight coming and I've already felt knocked down. So, I'm asking you to please help me in my fight by sending me song suggestions that will fit my new playlist as mentioned above. But know this...that I'm suiting up for battle and I WILL NOT let this defeat me!