1-My faith has never been stronger and I have seen God at work through all of this.
The possibility existed that I wouldn't make it through this surgery due to previous surgical history. So, there was a lot of fear leading up to this day. The actual surgical procedure threw us a couple of curveballs in that the tumor was much larger than anticipated and did much more internal damage than anticipated. This meant new things to deal with during recovery.
But God.
I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it, and He has made that evident to me this whole year. From all the love and support I received prior to, during and after surgery...to the surgery itself...God has been by my side in a variety of ways. Many people prayed for and with me during this time...and, not only did I come through surgery with flying colors, but it was over much quicker than anticipated and I had peace. That was God. My recovery was painful, but my JOY never wavered. To this day, I don't feel "right" if I'm not in relationship with God daily and I can certainly say that this last year has taken that relationship to a whole other level as I've had to learn to truly depend on Him, physically, mentally, and emotionally. God does work all things for good for those who love Him, but He never promises it will be easy. This, I have lived over this past year.
2-My marriage was reinstated
As a testimony to the above, my husband and I reconciled after an 8 year separation, and we honestly haven't been happier. I give God the glory for opening our eyes to see each other through His eyes, for softening our hearts and allowing us to be open to possibilities, and for the gift of true communication. He was my primary caregiver following surgery and he amazed me at the ways he took care of me. We went from a place of expectation from one another to appreciation FOR one another and I'm grateful every day for that. When we shift our focus from the negative to the positive, when our eyes are open to different priorities, it's amazing what kind of change transpires.
3-My mobility declined...rapidly
I followed my surgeon's instructions to the letter and went back to work when she said I could. The problem was that my surgeon and my neurologist (who manages my CP) didn't communicate on my recovery plan, so I actually went back to work WAY too soon for my body. As such, it didn't take long for my mobility to sharply decline. You see, when they did my surgery, they had to cut through my abdominal muscles. Because my abdominal muscles, in combination with my hips, legs and back, kept me upright, the other muscles groups had to pull more weight due to the lack of abdominal strength after surgery. Even sitting put a strain on them. So...in essence, the other muscles groups gave out before I could regain strength in my core. You have to remember that my muscles work very differently than "normal" due to my CP. The brain signals to my muscles are all jumbled and my muscles stay consistently very tight. I've used the analogy of a rubber band stretched to capacity before. Imagine pushing against that stretched rubber band to make it move and you get the idea of what every day life is for me. Needless to say, I've also experienced incredible fatigue in this past year like I've never experienced before.
4-Medical Retirement
The decline in my mobility ultimately led to medical retirement from a job I absolutely adored...my beloved Marine Corps. It was a "no-brainer" decision as I knew that continuing to work would ultimately lead to the complete decline of my mobility. That said, it proved to be one of the hardest adjustments I've gone through to date. Not only did it completely force me to acknowledge my abilities...what I was capable of as well as what I wasn't...but having served the military community for almost 15 years and being mission-focused for that long, it left a HUGE hole in me as I no longer had a mission. I was left with a resounding "what now"?? Although it may not be exactly the same, I believe I now have a healthy understanding for what my military family feels when they go through retirement or leave service. All of my life, I've always put others needs way before my own. Even when my husband and I separated, the things that kept me going then were my son and serving others. This time, I didn't have a "little" at home to dictate my schedule. I didn't have anyone to "take care of"...other than me. That is a REALLY uncomfortable place for me to be, and I'm not gonna lie, I have spent a lot of my time since retirement in tears trying to navigate all this adjustment.
The best thing I can say about the past couple of months is that I've spent it in deep relationship with God and He has spoken to me in a way that I haven't understood before...leading me to finally (& truly!) understand that His timing is perfect and to rest in that. I have experienced "all the feels"...grief, depression, anxiety, anger - LOTS of anger - at Him because He created me the way I am, because I struggle to do the things that used to come so easily to me, because I haven't been able to do things with my family and friends that I would love to do, because I am not able to care for others in the way that I want to now that I have to care for myself, because I now rarely sleep due to pain, hormone issues (hot flashes and nightsweats!!), and for a myriad of things. Even living daily life can be a struggle because it takes so much effort for me to move. I've had so much to adjust to, both good and not so good. BUT...
God is good and I have learned what living in GRACE feels like. I'm not just pretty hard on myself, I'm probably my own worst enemy and I'll show grace to everyone else before myself. That is beginning to change. It's only been in the past few weeks that I've been able to wrap my brain around giving myself grace. I'm not going to get it all right the first try...and that's ok. I have learned that it's ok to be angry at God...because He can take it...and He loves me anyway. I have accepted that He created me the way He did for His purpose, not mine...and I love that. So, I will continue to share how He works in my life and I will continue to pray "not my will, but Yours be done" and that He will reveal to me what His will is. When He pauses, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other until He does.
My mission now is trying everything available to me that could help my mobility and figuring out what works and what doesn't - from diet to exercise. So far, Adaptive Yoga has been my lifeline, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I use the time for worship, for prayer, for listening and for understanding how my mind and body work in concert together. I hope to begin a journey to teach Adaptive Yoga in the near future. I have joined an Adaptive Sports program to figure out what I'm actually able to do! So far, I have kayaked and waterskied and loved them both! I have dreamed of waterskiing my whole life and never could. But this week, I got an opportunity to thanks to modified equipement and the Adaptive Sports and Adventures Program!! Of course I need assistance and it absolutely wears me out to do these things, but I refuse to just not live life. I have learned to just plan days for rest. My next goal is to work on Hippotherapy (horses!), because I LOVE horses and miss them so much, and in doing some research, have learned that it's one of the best forms of therapy for my body. The pool still works well for me, but being honest here, I've struggled to make it priority around these other things.
Due to fatigue, I've struggled with "brain fog" and making simple decisions can be overwhelming at times. I'm grateful for businesses such as Cultivate What Matters and their Power Sheets to help me learn how to better set goals and make a plan towards those goals. Being that I tend to overthink, the Power Sheets have helped me learn to simplify my thinking and are helping to make life a little less complicated. You should really check them out!!
I'm learning to be grateful for the small things every day, and on the days that I struggle hard with the negative emotions, I make myself find the things to be grateful for. But, even on the hard days, I don't lose my joy (though it may seem like it on the outside), because no matter what I have going on in my world, God is working in me and around me. I know He's walking with me and His plans are far greater than I can imagine. I believe it...and looking back on my life...I know it to be true. So, I keep climbing, never giving up, and hoping to move mountains along my journey.
