In the warriors code
There's no surrender
Though his body says stop
His spirit cries - never!
Deep in our soul
A quiet ember
Know it's you against you
It's the paradox
That drives us on
It's a battle of wills
In the heat of attack
It's the passion that kills
The victory is yours alone
It occurs to me that I haven't updated this since my surgery 8 weeks ago. In my defense, I've had a pretty rough recovery and honestly couldn't come up with the words to write as I was fighting my own battle...me against me.
So, let's bring you all up to speed.
The procedure itself surprised everyone, as the tumor they removed ended up being the size of a small watermelon (no exaggeration! I have pictures to prove it! Haha!) instead of the size of a grapefruit, as previously thought. It was caused by endometriosis, which no one knew I had, and had consumed my left ovary and was in the process of consuming my right one. It had also attached to my colon and attempted to attach to other areas in my body. So, basically, the tumor had to be disconnected from my colon and removed, along with both of my ovaries, and the lesions from where it had attempted to attach had to be scraped. The best news was that there was no cancer or even any form of pre-cancer cells!
The incision is vertical and about 10 inches in length, starting at my waistline (a couple of inches above my belly button!). It had to be vertical in order to remove this tumor and to get to any lymph nodes should cancer have been detected. The problem with this is my ab muscles have been cut and are now weakend. That created a problem when coupled with my Cerebral Palsy. If you don't know, Cerebral Palsy is a brain injury, and the part of my brain that was injured controls my muscles and their movements. So, my muscles are super tight anyway, which has made recovery all the more difficult. About a week after the surgery, I began experiencing one complication after another
(which I will refrain from discussing for your sake!) and it took 5 full weeks before I began showing real improvement. After that, improvement came quickly and by the end of week 7, I was finally walker-free for the most part. Now, that said, I still cannot walk well or much on my own due to lack of leg strength now and due to the lack of ability to stand up straight. My insides still feel bruised and I don't sleep well most nights because of various pain.
Not only was I recovering from major surgery, but am now experiencing surgical (and immediate) menopause!! I won't even begin to elaborate on the he** that is. The hot flashes alone have been killing me. I feel like I'm burning from the inside out, and when I try to cool off, I instantly freeze. I can't cover up because I'm too hot, and I can't stay uncovered because I'm freezing. So, I'm sweating while freezing!! Doesn't that sound like fun?? And let's not forget mood swings and the tears! As if I didn't cry enough already! My goodness! It's going to be a struggle to get all this regulated, but I'm thankful to have an understanding family and friends who support me AND all my craziness! Haha!
Now that you're up to speed on all the particulars, let me just say that this has been one of the biggest battles I have faced in a very long time. The last time I was in a mental place like this, I was on the verge of a very strong downward spiral, one I'm not sure I would have come back from had it not been for finding out I was carrying my son. That was 20 years ago and I was recovering from a devastating wreck after being hit by a drunk driver. This time, I was recovering from major surgery that left me unable to move or do anything for myself, beyond going to the bathroom or showering, for weeks! My hormones were wrecked and playing havoc with my emotions and thoughts. I felt useless, I felt like a lump on the couch, I felt like a burden to my friends and family - though I was grateful EVERY moment of EVERY day I had them!! It was a daily struggle for me to keep from slipping into a deep depression. I reached a point where I realized that would do nobody any good, especially me, and I chose to fight it by recognizing the good things in my life...no matter how small...and consciously celebrate it. It took effort...it took work...and lots of it! Maybe it was that I was able to sit up more that day or lift my leg a little more to get dressed. Maybe it was that I took a couple of steps without my walker. Maybe it was someone "sending me a smile" through Facebook or email or something just to let me know they were thinking about me. And let's not forget the countless meals my friends and family brought to or prepared for me. I couldn't do any of that for weeks. But I also began praying for others. Focusing more on others needs than my own. That's what did it. That's what lifted the cloud for me. I couldn't do anything about it, but I could pray and offer words of encouragement. I did all I could do to help others, while recognizing my own limits. But it took every bit of 5 weeks to get to that point and it only happened a little at a time.
I have learned much about myself in these past 8 weeks, including that I have to set better limits for myself. There's a time to push through and there's a time to set healthy boundaries. I've pushed way too hard for most of my life...living it as if I've had no disability. If I'm being honest, in every day living, I don't believe I really do...but when it comes to this surgery, I've had to acknowledge that I, in fact, do...and that it comes with a price. It takes it's toll on my muscles, my joints, my energy and my body in general. I've put a lot of wear and tear on this body without stopping to care for it properly. Lord willing, I have many years left on this earth and I want to spend them as mobile as possible. So, I'm going to start slowing down and recognizing my limitations, while not giving in to them. I'm nowhere near ready for "the rocking chair", but I'm going to learn new ways of doing things that make life easier on my body. To start, fully practicing Adaptive Yoga, Aquatic Therapy, Equine Therapy, even biking (via a recumbent trike) if possible one day. It'll be a while longer before I'm anywhere near where I was pre-surgery, but I'm confident I will be. It's just taking a lot longer than anyone thought (and my doctor even apologized for not taking my CP into account during my recovery process). I've been very impatient, and probably will continue to be, but I'm thankful for the grace my people have extended to me.
It's been said that we all have a certain number of "game points" to use up in each day and that my body requires 2, 3, even 4 times more game points than the "average" person. If that's the case, then, I'm ready to choose how I use my game points a litte more wisely. A lot of good has come from these last 8 weeks and I'm grateful for it all. It was a fight to get here, but ultimately, my faith, my spirit, and my heart won this battle over darkness...and I will continue to keep fighting...at my pace!
Keep the faith in your life...in your struggles...and know I love you all...always!
Kati
