So, let me share with you a personal story that has evolved over the past month...well, really over the past year to 18 months. I have minimal Cerebral Palsy. Most of my life, I've walked with a limp which, with the right exercise, was barely noticeable at times. Over the past year or so, my mobility began to sharply decline to the extent that now I have a mobility service dog, who helps me with balance and a myriad of other things. In addition to this, my health began to decline in ways that doctors couldn't pinpoint. The biggest issue I've battled is the EXTREME fatigue and the days when my legs felt like they weighed 8000lbs and just couldn't get going! Now, I'm not nicknamed "The Energizer Bunny" for nothing...because prior to this, I pushed through anything and kept going. But this has been a level of fatigue that I couldn't push through...that literally shut me down. To put this in perspective, many days, it's been all I could do to put in a full days work, come home, cook dinner for myself and clean up afterwards. Still, laundry had to be done, vacuuming and all those other household chores and maintenance...all of which I struggled to get done and was lucky to accomplish even some of them on a regular basis. And let's not forget a family and friends to look after and nurture relationships with.
After all this time, I'm still going strong...just maybe in a different way than I used to. Thankful to have grown up in a Marine Corps family, I learned "Adapt and Overcome" at a VERY early age! I'm blessed to say I work for the Marine Corps now and I'm continuously inspired to Adapt and Overcome as I support the Marines and family members in my unit in various ways. I could have easily given up...thrown in the towel...and filed for disability as many people wanted me to do so I wouldn't have to struggle so much. To be real for a moment, there were times when I seriously thought about it. But, what it boiled down to was the fact that I couldn't look myself in the mirror and in good conscience tell a judge that I was no longer able to work. I would be lying...because there is ALWAYS something I can do! Besides that, I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve in this life and some of those require money to achieve them! So, I set my mind for success and began figuring out what would work for me and for those around me...and I have learned to THRIVE in spite of it all!
About 30 days ago, I had an MRI done on my neck and back. The test picked up something unusual, so I was sent for a pelvic ultrasound which revealed a "pelvic mass" and that was all I was told. Following that was blood work, a CT Scan, more bloodwork and a referral to my OBGYN for more ultrasounds and blood work. THIS time, I was finally told what was going on...that I have a very large tumor in my pelvis and the good news was that it didn't appear to be serious. The bad news was that the actual procedure would be fairly high-risk due to my surgical history. My OBGYN told me that since she had performed surgery on me before, and knew what was going on in that area, that she wasn't comfortable doing the surgery and was referring me to an oncologist who specialized in this type of surgery.
WOW! What a blow! Life just knocked me down...and HARD! So many emotions and faces of people I loved swirled in my head and I instantly became numb. It took a few days for it all to sink in before the tears came and I could acknowledge any level of fear. But after the tears, a peace washed over me and I knew where this peace came from. I am a woman with a very strong faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I've felt this peace only one other time and it was when I was hit by a drunk driver in 1995. It was what enabled me to relinquish control in order to heal then...and it is what has enabled me to relinquish control now. I walked through the doors of Novant Cancer Center yesterday for the first time, and while I was nervous (and even a little shaky), and EVERY fiber of my being didn't want to be there, I put my shoulders back, walked into that building and prepared for battle...knowing WHO was fighting the biggest part of it for me.
Am I scared? Yes, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I almost lost my life once with a similar surgery that was supposed to be "easy peasy"...and SO wasn't. So, my confidence in this procedure is gone...and no amount of reassurance will help that due to my experience. But I have ALL confidence in my Father, who I KNOW has my back. So...knowing that, believing that "the battle belongs to the Lord", I'm suiting up to do my part in this battle. I'm doing those things that bring me peace of mind, ensuring my home is ready for my recovery, ensuring my family is taken care of "just in case"...and I'm staring at an enemy who consistently tries to take me out of the fight and I'm saying...
"HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!!! FIRE AWAY!!! Because you are NOT going to win...no matter what!!!"
My spirit is strong, my fight is stronger...and I'm forever grateful to my family and friends who help to keep me that way. To them I say to you...you will never know the depth of my love and appreciation I have for you because there are no words to describe what you mean to me. Thank you for loving me and all my craziness, for supporting me and for being there to help when I couldn't do it myself.
To the Soldiers I started my career serving - thank you just doesn't cut it. You helped me to grow into what I was meant to do. Thank you for being my foundation and my family always and for directing me towards my true home (where my roots are) with the Marines. I will love and continue to serve you always!
To the Marines I serve with every day....and I sure hope you all see this...you will never know how much you inspire me or the ways you contribute to my fighting spirit. You keep me laughing, you love me, you hug me, and most importantly, you actually allow me to genuinely help and support you! Some of the greatest experiences of my life have come through the last 8 years with you and I'm forever grateful!!
Stay tuned for the rest of this journey (and I promise the updates won't be as long as this one! haha!) and thank you for sharing in it. I was asked by a couple of friends to consider blogging about it and after praying about it, I know it was the right thing to do. I have always lived by the belief that our experiences in life, while ultimately strengthen and shape us, are meant to help others, also. So, I have always lived my life being open and honest about myself, my disability, and my experiences in hopes that will help others in some way.
More updates to come before surgery in a few short weeks!
