The sun is up! The sun is shining bright! (Ode to my Mama!)

For those of you wondering about the title to this post, my Mama used to wake me up every morning with a song that comprised these lyrics:

The sun is up, the sun is shining bright
It chased away, the moon and the stars of night
The birds, the bees, the butterflies
Come a rollicking, joyful frolicking
Hail the day!

I HATED that song when I was a kid/teen!!! Now, looking back on those times, I so wish I could enjoy it once again (sort of! *smile*)!! I look back on those moments and laugh (while cringing! Haha!), but mostly I'm grateful for a mother who cared enough to wake me up every morning with a smile and a positive attitude (despite my grumpiness!)! It's for this reason that I decided to write this blog.

Dear Mama,

I know it wasn't easy raising a child with minimal Cerebral Palsy, but I didn't realize, until I became a Mama, just how much strength that took. You've told me stories about watching me fall and, after ensuring I was OK, making me get myself back up so I could learn how to do it on my own and be independent. First, I finally understand how incredibly HARD that is, especially when it goes against everything you feel inside!! You want to run to your child, pick them up and hold them, and make everything better...but that's not always what's in their best interest. You want to protect your child from the world and everything intent on hurting your child in any way. But, through moments like this, you chose to use them as teaching moments...to shape my thinking into understanding that I could do anything anybody else could, just maybe a little differently. All it took was figuring out what worked for me, and you helped me learn that at an early age. Second, I want you to truly know how grateful I am for that!! That trait alone is what has helped me survive in this world. I've been able to apply that "adapt and overcome" mentality into nearly every area in my life! It may take me awhile to figure out what works for me, so I may be "on the ground" longer than I'd like, but once I figure things out, I get back "on my feet and standing tall". Mama, you taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and the strength that it requires...and I admire you so much for that. It's amazing how much my eyes have been opened since I became a mother!

You taught me how to laugh at life...and even though I may be a little more on the serious side, you taught me that it was OK to be a little crazy too! LOL! The silly songs ("Dem bones gonna rise again!"), the holiday costumes, the "post-nap craziness"...all those things that I didn't seem to appreciate then, I so do now! Honestly, I find myself wishing I could be a little more like you in that way! My friends still remember those things about you! Oh, and how you used to love on my friends! I think sometimes, they loved/appreciated you more than I did (though, I'm ashamed to admit that!). I'm grateful for that and never fully realized the importance of that till I became a mom.

And then there were all the times in the kitchen...cooking/baking/canning. Those were some of my favorite memories and I truly learned from the best! I remember the pecan sandies (and powdered sugar everywhere!), licking the batter bowl, and my favorite was always licking the bowl from your homemade chocolate frosting!! YUM!!!!! (And it still is!!) I remember you teaching me to make fried okra...how you made it with cornmeal and fried it in a cast iron skillet, then baked it in the oven to give it that extra crispiness. That, by the way, was also a favorite!!

You were always there to take care of me when I was sick...from setting up that Devilbiss humidifier in my room, to Vicks Vaporub, making sure I had fresh, cool washcloths on my head, special foods to eat simply because it tasted good to me when I was sick...but most of all, just loving me...always loving me and having the patience of Job through it all.

You gave me my love for music...and some of my most favorite memories are of us singing together. My most favorite of those is singing on the front porch with you playing the guitar. You helped me learn to dance and I fell in love with it!! You encouraged me to try everything that interested me and you helped me through it! I was a cheerleader because you believed in me enough to encourage me to try! I overcame so many obstacles in my life because of your belief in me and because of your support!

Now, that I'm grown and a Mama myself, you're still there...listening, supporting, laughing, praying, keeping a certain favorite food on hand for when I stop by (*smile*), understanding, PRAYING (yes, that warrants repeating!). This list could go on, and I could cite SO many more examples in this blog, but the bottom line is this:

Unconditional love, FAITH, hope, strength, laughter, joy, independence, and a strong belief in our Lord...these are just some of the things you wove into my life and the foundation for who I am. Mama, you gave me the best parts of yourself and nothing I could ever give back could equal that. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, but Mama, you're perfect for me, and I'm so glad God chose you to be my Mama.

This Mother's Day, I couldn't think of the "perfect gift"...except the love and gratitude I feel in my heart. So, I decided to honor you in this way and share you with the world. Most of my life, you were content to be "behind the scenes", but Mama, you deserve to be in the spotlight. You truly are the Wind Beneath My Wings and I love you, honestly, with every fiber of my being. Happy Mother's Day!

This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my Mama - taken Christmas 2010, just a few months after her miraculous healing from colon cancer and a massive stroke!! SHE was the best gift I got that Christmas!!

Don't Stop Believin'...hold on to that feelin'!!

Since we recently celebrated Easter/Resurrection Sunday, I can't think of a better time to "resurrect" my blog and to share some of what's been on my heart recently. Easter is slowly becoming my favorite holiday (not quite yet on par with Christmas!) because of the renewed HOPE that fills me,  and gives me a totally fresh outlook on life as I watch new life spring forth all around me (yes, pun intended! Lol). But, mostly, I'm inspired because of what my Savior went through for me, even begging our Father to "let this cup pass from him", at one point. I'm quite sure he was scared at times, and didn't want to be tortured in the way that he knew was inevitable,  yet He still took on all that...for ME, for ALL of us! He experienced immeasurable pain, suffering, and ultimately death in order that you and I could spend eternity with Him. (Talk about ultimate humbling!!) BUT...(and it's a big one!)...He didn't stay there! He rose from the grave...and LIVES today!! THAT excites me more than just about anything!! The grace and mercy he pours out on me daily...I just can't comprehend. But that's the beauty of it...I don't have to because it's a GIFT! All I have to do is accept it. Which brings me to the point of today's blog...

I recently attended a funeral of someone who took his own life. I have struggled over this, at times, wondering if there was something I could've done differently to help. My "big brother" (no blood relation, but family nonetheless) took his life nearly 4 years ago and I still struggle with that at times. I want so desperately for people to understand that taking your life is truly a permanent solution to a temporary problem! Maybe that sounds cliche, but it's something I've experienced to be true. I have struggled with depression in different seasons of my life and I KNOW that while you're in that mindset, it seems like whatever is happening in your life will be that way forever, that there's no end in sight. I also know that it's a real and viscious cycle to get out of. There's no right or wrong solution to this problem...the only thing that matters is what will work for you. For me, I go back to the story of the crucifixion, of THAT pain and suffering, and I'm instantly reminded that there IS light at the end of that proverbial tunnel...and it's proven in the resurrection!! All I have to do is receive/accept it. Psalm 71 has become very fitting for me recently...but specifically verse 14 which says, "as for me, I will always have hope." Does that mean I will never lose my way at times (make bad choices, poor judgment calls, give in to temptations, etc)?? No...absolutely not. I'm human. What it does mean, for me, is that I KNOW that He will guide me back to the path He's laid out for me when I'm ready to accept His guidance. That whole "having faith" thing? Yeah, that's me continuing to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward when some days I can't even see where I'm stepping. Some days those steps of faith are leaps and bounds...and other days, tiny baby steps. Either way, I'm still moving forward...and BELIEVING the good things my God has in store for me.

So, I say this to you: HOPE=Hold On, Pain Ends. It's a season...and it's temporary. Do what you need to do to take care of you. Reach out and talk to someone...anyone...that you trust! That light will once again shine through your tunnel...but you have to hold on to HOPE, wherever that may come from...and DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' (hold on to that feelin'!)'!!!

Much love to you all, friends!
Kati

PS - this blog is a work in progress, so bear with me through the changes! I promise it will be worth it! :)